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Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Coach Secretly Turned On By Illegal Formation

TAMPA, FL—Buccaneers quarterbacks coach Alex Van Pelt admitted to reporters Saturday that even though he knows it’s wrong and “very, very naughty,” he secretly gets aroused when he sees a team line up in an illegal formation. “Mmm, look at this wideout, look at him failing to cover that tackle, oh, that’s so bad,” said Van Pelt, licking his lips as he ran tape of the same penalty forward and backward multiple times. “You throw that flag, ref. You know it’s wrong. That’s only six men on the line of scrimmage, and that ref doesn’t like it. No, not one bit. But you know who does like it? Alex likes it. Yeah. Yeah, Alex knows that tackle failed to report as an eligible receiver. Mmmm.” After Van Pelt spent several more minutes dissecting one illegal formation penalty from a preseason game against the Dolphins, reporters asked him what he thought of illegal shifts, which prompted the coach to release a pleasurable moan and excuse himself from the film room.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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