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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Coalition Of Buzzed Cousins Issues Annual Greatest Nation On Earth Rankings

RIVERTON, WY—Speaking at its annual summit held around the charcoal grill behind the Dillon family home, the country’s leading coalition of slightly tipsy cousins released its 2014 greatest nation on earth rankings to relatives at a backyard barbecue Saturday, sources confirmed. “No better place in the world than right here in the U.S. of fucking A—greatest country in the history of the world,” intoxicated representative Shawn Dillon, 38, said of the cousins’ unanimous decision, which was reached after roughly 11 seconds of deliberation and an average of three Bud Light Limes per person. “Nowhere else even comes close. Land of the free, you know?” While the United States earned the inebriated coalition members’ top spot for the 16th consecutive year, several observers expressed surprise at Jamaica’s addition to the rankings this year after cousin Brendon Mahoney called the island nation “pretty cool, too.”

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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