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Coalition Of Buzzed Cousins Issues Annual Greatest Nation On Earth Rankings

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Coalition Of Buzzed Cousins Issues Annual Greatest Nation On Earth Rankings

RIVERTON, WY—Speaking at its annual summit held around the charcoal grill behind the Dillon family home, the country’s leading coalition of slightly tipsy cousins released its 2014 greatest nation on earth rankings to relatives at a backyard barbecue Saturday, sources confirmed. “No better place in the world than right here in the U.S. of fucking A—greatest country in the history of the world,” intoxicated representative Shawn Dillon, 38, said of the cousins’ unanimous decision, which was reached after roughly 11 seconds of deliberation and an average of three Bud Light Limes per person. “Nowhere else even comes close. Land of the free, you know?” While the United States earned the inebriated coalition members’ top spot for the 16th consecutive year, several observers expressed surprise at Jamaica’s addition to the rankings this year after cousin Brendon Mahoney called the island nation “pretty cool, too.”

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