Coalition Of Developmentally Disabled Adults Demands Trip To McDonald's

Top Headlines

Local

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Productivity

Coalition Of Developmentally Disabled Adults Demands Trip To McDonald's

WASHINGTON, DC–Chanting, "We want McDonald's!" in relative unison, representatives of the American Association of Developmentally Disabled Adults held a press conference Monday to demand a trip to a D.C.-area McDonald's.

AADDA member Billy Thorne (at podium) tells reporters that he has been "very good" and deserves a trip to McDonald's.

"For weeks, my clients have been pleading with relatives, social workers, and assisted-living aides for a group outing to McDonald's," said Allan Lefferts, a civil-rights lawyer representing the AADDA. "Yet time and time again, these requests have been brushed aside with dismissals like, 'Not now' and, 'Maybe next week, if you're good.' Well, these folks will not wait any longer. They will not 'settle down.'"

Lefferts' remarks were met with cheers and stomping feet from AADDA members, with several adding cries of "French fries!"

"At this point, my clients are in good spirits, excited about the prospect of this excursion," continued Lefferts, motioning to the squealing, clapping group beside him. "But all that could change if their demands are not met. They want to go to McDonald's as soon as possible–ideally next Monday, right after WCW Nitro wrestling."

According to Lefferts, under the terms of the 1990 Americans With Disabilities Act, each AADDA member must be offered "the most integrated setting appropriate to his or her needs."

"A trip to McDonald's will expand these individuals' boundaries," Lefferts said. "It will provide them with the opportunity to interact with other community members, practice decision-making, and develop valuable money-handling skills. Even more significantly, it will–"

Lefferts was then interrupted by AADDA member Donny Hefkin's impromptu rendition of "You Get More For Your Money," a song featured in a current McDonald's commercial.

Switching to his best inside voice at Lefferts' request, the 33-year-old Hefkin stressed that he has been good lately and would not require outside funding for the excursion.

"I have my own money!" said Hefkin, removing a velcro Space Jam wallet from his fanny pack. "I'm gonna get a Happy Meal and a Big Mac! Yaay!"

AADDA members enjoy their food during a July 1999 outing to McDonald's.

Lefferts said AADDA members have more than earned the outing, noting that in the past three weeks, there has not been a single major incident of inappropriate behavior among them. As evidence, Lefferts held up a calendar labeled "Dennis R.'s Behavior" with a gold-foil star applied to each day in April. Lefferts added that even Cindy Weiler, 30, whose outbursts landed her in the time-out room five times this past March, has been perfect of late.

"These special guys and gals have been great lately, receiving consistently positive reports from their job coaches and coming up to the med counter with only one verbal cue," Lefferts said. "I must also point out that they made sure to finish all their chore-wheel tasks before asking for this McDonald's trip. My clients would not be making these demands if their work wasn't completed."

"The AADDA will no longer stand for the vague promises and weak excuses of their caregivers, who tell them they can go 'some other day' or that it is too late to schedule a metro-van pickup," said Lefferts, concluding the press conference. "We demand that this trip be put on the activity board for May. If it is not, people will start acting out–and that's a promise."

Lorraine Nichols, an aide at an assisted-living home for AADDA members, said she has made every effort to fit in a trip to McDonald's.

"I've tried, but I'm just so busy–I've got to figure out next month's schedule and fill out the grocery order because, yet again, the weekend shift failed to do it," Nichols said. "Maybe we can go to McDonald's sometime after the Spring Fling Picnic, but not now."

"Besides," Nichols continued, "I rented Ace Ventura. Doesn't everybody want to watch that? Sam can make popcorn."

Fellow aide Peggy Reid said the AADDA has not been entirely upfront about the McDonald's situation, neglecting to mention the low-fat/low-sodium diet required of the many AADDA members currently on the anti-seizure medication Depakote. Certain members, Reid said, have also glossed over recent excursions to other fast-food outlets.

"Ron [Goetz] and Stephen [Bass] may not have been to McDonald's lately, but I know their day-program rec director at New Horizons took them to KFC just last Friday," Reid said. "I think some certain young men have conveniently forgotten that fact when it came time to talk to the press."

When informed of Reid's remarks, Bass replied, "We want McNuggets! We want McNuggets!"