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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Coast Guard Going To Let Stranded Yacht Owner Sweat It Out Little More

LONG BEACH, CA—Though fully intending to assist the man eventually, U.S. Coast Guard authorities opted to let the owner of a 60-foot yacht stranded off the California coast panic a little longer Monday, the crew of the patrol boat Garibaldi announced. “Right now there is a gentleman in a captain’s hat and baby blue polo shirt running all around the deck flailing his arms, and frankly we’d like to watch a little more of that before we come to his aid,” Captain James Todman said of the hapless owner of the pleasure craft named Sea Breeze whom he had been watching through binoculars for the past 40 minutes jumping up and down while frantically setting off an air horn. “He’s fine for now; we’ve got our eye on him. We’re just going to wait for him to try to figure out his flare gun for a little longer and let him shout a couple more ‘maydays’ into the radio before we head over there and hook up the tow rope.” At press time, Todman had given orders to send the Garibaldi toward the disabled yacht and then continue cruising past it, just to see the man’s reaction.

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