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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Cocksucker Beats Up Motherfucker

GAINESVILLE, FL—In an ass-kicking on the sidewalk in front of the Red Room on Juniper Avenue Saturday, some 23-year-old cocksucker totally wasted this motherfucker, 22, like the prick was standing still. "You want a piece of me?" asked the motherfucker, who minutes later got his goddamn ass handed to him on a plate. According to some dudes who saw the whole thing, the motherfucker kissed the fucking pavement after the cocksucker delivered a bad-ass left hook. The motherfucker was unavailable for comment, because he was busy picking his teeth up off the ground.

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