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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Cocksucker Beats Up Motherfucker

GAINESVILLE, FL—In an ass-kicking on the sidewalk in front of the Red Room on Juniper Avenue Saturday, some 23-year-old cocksucker totally wasted this motherfucker, 22, like the prick was standing still. "You want a piece of me?" asked the motherfucker, who minutes later got his goddamn ass handed to him on a plate. According to some dudes who saw the whole thing, the motherfucker kissed the fucking pavement after the cocksucker delivered a bad-ass left hook. The motherfucker was unavailable for comment, because he was busy picking his teeth up off the ground.

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