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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Cocktail-Party Guest Cornered By Joel Stein

NEW YORK–An innocent Upper West Side cocktail party turned tragic Tuesday, when journalist Michael Conlon found himself cornered by Time magazine columnist Joel Stein. "There I was, making light conversation and sipping a dry white wine, when, all of a sudden, I heard those four fateful words: 'Hi, I'm Joel Stein,'" a visibly shaken Conlon said following the 45-minute ordeal. "We covered a wide range of topics, from Joel Stein's favorite restaurants to Joel Stein's dating prospects, to anecdotes about famous people Joel Stein had met." According to witnesses, Stein paused briefly at several intervals to make sure Conlon was still nodding politely before launching back into his otherwise non-stop conversational stream. Conlon is said to be "recovering well" after an overnight stay at Mt. Sinai Hospital and should return to the cocktail-party circuit by early next week.

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