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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Cocky Miami Dolphins Already Booking Hotel Rooms For Week 12 Game At Dallas

MIAMI—In what analysts are calling a brash move, the Miami Dolphins have decided to tempt fate by going ahead and securing rooms in a Dallas Marriott for their week 12 matchup against the Cowboys. "It's pure arrogance that would lead a team to reserve rooms in Dallas when there's no guarantee they'll even be playing by then," NFL Network host Rich Eisen said Saturday on NFL Total Access, adding that the Dolphins' decision to plan that far in advance is both "cocky" and "a total gamble." "Sure, on paper, the Fins have a chance to make it past the Giants and maybe even Kansas City, but why tempt fate like this? This team has to take it a game at a time." Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano informed reporters he has booked his room in a long-stay hotel, as he is not planning on going back to Miami ever again.

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