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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Cocky Miami Dolphins Already Booking Hotel Rooms For Week 12 Game At Dallas

MIAMI—In what analysts are calling a brash move, the Miami Dolphins have decided to tempt fate by going ahead and securing rooms in a Dallas Marriott for their week 12 matchup against the Cowboys. "It's pure arrogance that would lead a team to reserve rooms in Dallas when there's no guarantee they'll even be playing by then," NFL Network host Rich Eisen said Saturday on NFL Total Access, adding that the Dolphins' decision to plan that far in advance is both "cocky" and "a total gamble." "Sure, on paper, the Fins have a chance to make it past the Giants and maybe even Kansas City, but why tempt fate like this? This team has to take it a game at a time." Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano informed reporters he has booked his room in a long-stay hotel, as he is not planning on going back to Miami ever again.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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