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Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Notable Female Writers Throughout History

Jane Austen died 200 years ago today, but she continues to be widely read and influential to today’s writers. The Onion highlights some of the most notable female authors throughout history.
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Coddled Potted Plant Could Never Make It On Outside

BEVERLY, MA—According to sources, an impeccably maintained local 3-year-old Philodendron would be “as good as dead” if it ever left the pampered confines of its terra cotta pot and tried to make it on the outside. “Trust me, that plant would be dead at first frost—it’s never known life outside that window sill,” said the flowering plant’s owner, Jennifer Holland, adding that the “soft, lily-white” fauna would not last a day if removed from its optimal watering schedule and sun exposure. “Look at those [cascade azaleas] out there. They haven’t had water in days, but it doesn’t even look like their turgor pressure’s down. This plant? Hasn’t lived a day of its life in the real world. No way it could cut it out there.” Holland also expressed doubts that the giant sequoia she recently potted in her living room would last through the winter.

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