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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Coddled Potted Plant Could Never Make It On Outside

BEVERLY, MA—According to sources, an impeccably maintained local 3-year-old Philodendron would be “as good as dead” if it ever left the pampered confines of its terra cotta pot and tried to make it on the outside. “Trust me, that plant would be dead at first frost—it’s never known life outside that window sill,” said the flowering plant’s owner, Jennifer Holland, adding that the “soft, lily-white” fauna would not last a day if removed from its optimal watering schedule and sun exposure. “Look at those [cascade azaleas] out there. They haven’t had water in days, but it doesn’t even look like their turgor pressure’s down. This plant? Hasn’t lived a day of its life in the real world. No way it could cut it out there.” Holland also expressed doubts that the giant sequoia she recently potted in her living room would last through the winter.

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