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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning

CHICAGO—Calmly brushing off the accident that would have normally left him incensed, local man Alex Perkins, 36, told reporters Tuesday that, all things considered, the fresh coffee stain on his shirt is not as big a deal this morning. “It’s a new shirt, but you know what, I’ll be fine,” said Perkins in an abnormally accepting tone, before adding that, in the grand scheme of things, the sizable brown stain on his dress shirt was just a minor annoyance not worth getting upset over at the moment. “The dry cleaners can probably get it out. If not, who cares.” After gazing quickly down at the latest breaking news alert on his phone, Perkins added that he’s not even angry with the coffee shop worker who failed to put the cup’s lid on all the way.

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