adBlockCheck

Coffeehouse Encounter Results In Conversation, Cunnilingus

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Coffeehouse Encounter Results In Conversation, Cunnilingus

AUSTIN, TX—Area college students Chris Montez and Amy Hammond achieved orally stimulated orgasm Monday evening after a chance encounter at the Java Europa coffeehouse.

Amy Hammond and Chris Montez enjoy a spirited discussion of Beat poet Gregory Corso, laying the groundwork for heated cunnilingus.

Experts agreed that Java Europa, with its unique atmosphere of comfortable, easy-going lounging and vaguely left-leaning political and cultural sensibilities, was instrumental in the success of the coupling.

"It is a well-known fact that when acting in combination, handmade Andean wall hangings, the music of Billie Holiday and overpriced foreign beverages are excellent facilitators of the type of mutually satisfactory, gender-sensitive, non-threatening consensual oral sex experienced by these lucky youngsters Monday," University of Texas sociology professor Richard Ammons said. "That is to say, as opposed to the more traditional fumbling, awkward, guy-on-top, 90-second type of sex generally brought on by a sports-bar environment."

Montez, a junior in comparative literature, and Hammond, a sophomore in political science, were both "greatly pleased" by the evening's events.

"I especially enjoyed the double mocha latte," said Montez, 20. "It added a milieu, if you will, of continental sophistication to my late-night studying and was no doubt a key factor in my attracting Amy's attention."

"The conversation was also wonderful," Montez added. "But I must admit that while I enjoyed discussing Ginsburg and Burroughs with Amy, I was picturing her naked the entire time."

Hammond, 19, also had no complaints. "By showing me that he was interested in my opinion on the literary merits of various Beat writers," she said, "Chris established the level of confidence and trust necessary for me to enthusiastically grind my velveteen vulva against his handsome, slightly stubbled face."

Though as of press time the two have no plans to ever see each other again, both agreed that the oral sex—as well as the worldly and sophisticated conversation and beverages that preceded it—was enriching and rewarding.

"It sure beats talking to some drunken frat guy who's just trying to figure out which girl is most likely to let him in her pants," Hammond said. "I ought to know: My old boyfriend Brad was like that. All he ever wanted was me to do was pleasure him. He was never sensitive to my orgasmic needs, the way Chris was last night."

Java Europa owner Pat Gunther said that Monday's sexual encounter was not the first his coffeehouse had facilitated."Every day, people meet here and go on to enjoy casual, meaningless sexual romps," she said. "Whether it's cunnilingus, fellatio, rimming or fisting, there's something about this place that's conducive to random consensual sex."

Gunther noted that just last Friday, two strangers sat down together and discussed French theorist Michel Foucault before heading off to enjoy heated intercourse.

Jim Wiersma, who owns the Tru-Value hardware store next door to Java Europa, said that his shop has seen little of the sort of encounters familiar to the coffeehouse.

"We don't get too many college students looking for serendipitous sexual dalliances here," Wiersma said. "Mostly we get middle-aged married men looking for extension cords and ratchets and paint primers, that sort of thing."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close