Coffeehouse Encounter Results In Conversation, Cunnilingus

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Vol 32 Issue 04

'Hands Across Liechtenstein' Raises $30 For Liechtenstein Charities

VADUZ, LIECHTENSTEIN—Citizens of the tiny European principality of Liechtenstein turned out in full force Saturday to participate in "Hands Across Liechtenstein," a special fund-raising event that raised more than $30 for Liechtenstein charities. Nearly 150 citizens joined hands in a line that stretched from one end of the country to the other, forming a human chain one-and-a-half football fields long. "This is a great achievement and an inspiring tribute to the great spirit of our people," Liechtenstein's Prince Hans Adam II said. "I can barely see the end of the line from where I stand." The $30 raised will go t

Local Audience Deemed 'Great'

BOSTON—The 88 people in attendance at the Chuckle Barn's Saturday 8:30 p.m. show were uniformly praised by comedian Tony Campanelli as "great." "You guys have been great," Campanelli told them at the conclusion of his 20-minute performance."Thanks a lot and good night." Audiences previously called great by Campanelli include the Friday 8:30 p.m. show and the Friday 11 p.m.

Fans Beg Aerosmith To Go Back On Drugs

LOS ANGELES—A national coalition of Aerosmith fans, frustrated by the weak, power-ballad-filled mediocrity of such recent Aerosmith albums as Get A Grip and Pump, has collected three million signatures on a petition imploring the veteran rock quintet to return to drug addiction. "We, the united fans of Aerosmith," the petition read in part, "plead with you to resume the type of liberal use of heroin and cocaine that fueled kick-ass albums like 1976's Rocks and classic tunes like 'Back In The Saddle.' We would additionally like to see a marked increase in alcohol abuse, particularly from one-time 'Toxic Twin' Joe Perry, who, regrettably, has not had a monster riff since 1980."

Copdale Made A Mockery Of Our Stalwart Policemen

Whenever I have trouble around the home I can always count on the Men in Blue to come to my house and help me. Like the time when my wife Toots and I could not find our wrench and the sink was dripping like the River Jordan in the Holy Land. Well, we called the policemen and they came screeching to our home with their sirens and whistles and told us not to call them unless it was an emergency, and they gave us a ticket. But by that time the sink had stopped leaking.

We Can Put A Man On The Moon, But We Can't Make Killer Robot Police?

Every time I watch the news, I see another story about all the wonderful things NASA is doing in outer space. I know, I know, it's all supposed to be very impressive and exciting. But to be honest, it just boils my blood. I mean, the federal government can put a man on the moon, but it can't build a killer robot police force to keep the cars from roaring down my street at 45 miles per hour? What kind of priorities do we have in this country?

Is Divorce Too Easy?

With the divorce rate continuing to soar, some family advocates are calling for legislation making it more difficult to dissolve a marriage. What do you think about toughening divorce laws?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Coffeehouse Encounter Results In Conversation, Cunnilingus

AUSTIN, TX—Area college students Chris Montez and Amy Hammond achieved orally stimulated orgasm Monday evening after a chance encounter at the Java Europa coffeehouse.

Amy Hammond and Chris Montez enjoy a spirited discussion of Beat poet Gregory Corso, laying the groundwork for heated cunnilingus.

Experts agreed that Java Europa, with its unique atmosphere of comfortable, easy-going lounging and vaguely left-leaning political and cultural sensibilities, was instrumental in the success of the coupling.

"It is a well-known fact that when acting in combination, handmade Andean wall hangings, the music of Billie Holiday and overpriced foreign beverages are excellent facilitators of the type of mutually satisfactory, gender-sensitive, non-threatening consensual oral sex experienced by these lucky youngsters Monday," University of Texas sociology professor Richard Ammons said. "That is to say, as opposed to the more traditional fumbling, awkward, guy-on-top, 90-second type of sex generally brought on by a sports-bar environment."

Montez, a junior in comparative literature, and Hammond, a sophomore in political science, were both "greatly pleased" by the evening's events.

"I especially enjoyed the double mocha latte," said Montez, 20. "It added a milieu, if you will, of continental sophistication to my late-night studying and was no doubt a key factor in my attracting Amy's attention."

"The conversation was also wonderful," Montez added. "But I must admit that while I enjoyed discussing Ginsburg and Burroughs with Amy, I was picturing her naked the entire time."

Hammond, 19, also had no complaints. "By showing me that he was interested in my opinion on the literary merits of various Beat writers," she said, "Chris established the level of confidence and trust necessary for me to enthusiastically grind my velveteen vulva against his handsome, slightly stubbled face."

Though as of press time the two have no plans to ever see each other again, both agreed that the oral sex—as well as the worldly and sophisticated conversation and beverages that preceded it—was enriching and rewarding.

"It sure beats talking to some drunken frat guy who's just trying to figure out which girl is most likely to let him in her pants," Hammond said. "I ought to know: My old boyfriend Brad was like that. All he ever wanted was me to do was pleasure him. He was never sensitive to my orgasmic needs, the way Chris was last night."

Java Europa owner Pat Gunther said that Monday's sexual encounter was not the first his coffeehouse had facilitated."Every day, people meet here and go on to enjoy casual, meaningless sexual romps," she said. "Whether it's cunnilingus, fellatio, rimming or fisting, there's something about this place that's conducive to random consensual sex."

Gunther noted that just last Friday, two strangers sat down together and discussed French theorist Michel Foucault before heading off to enjoy heated intercourse.

Jim Wiersma, who owns the Tru-Value hardware store next door to Java Europa, said that his shop has seen little of the sort of encounters familiar to the coffeehouse.

"We don't get too many college students looking for serendipitous sexual dalliances here," Wiersma said. "Mostly we get middle-aged married men looking for extension cords and ratchets and paint primers, that sort of thing."

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