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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Coffeehouse Encounter Results In Conversation, Cunnilingus

AUSTIN, TX—Area college students Chris Montez and Amy Hammond achieved orally stimulated orgasm Monday evening after a chance encounter at the Java Europa coffeehouse.

Amy Hammond and Chris Montez enjoy a spirited discussion of Beat poet Gregory Corso, laying the groundwork for heated cunnilingus.

Experts agreed that Java Europa, with its unique atmosphere of comfortable, easy-going lounging and vaguely left-leaning political and cultural sensibilities, was instrumental in the success of the coupling.

"It is a well-known fact that when acting in combination, handmade Andean wall hangings, the music of Billie Holiday and overpriced foreign beverages are excellent facilitators of the type of mutually satisfactory, gender-sensitive, non-threatening consensual oral sex experienced by these lucky youngsters Monday," University of Texas sociology professor Richard Ammons said. "That is to say, as opposed to the more traditional fumbling, awkward, guy-on-top, 90-second type of sex generally brought on by a sports-bar environment."

Montez, a junior in comparative literature, and Hammond, a sophomore in political science, were both "greatly pleased" by the evening's events.

"I especially enjoyed the double mocha latte," said Montez, 20. "It added a milieu, if you will, of continental sophistication to my late-night studying and was no doubt a key factor in my attracting Amy's attention."

"The conversation was also wonderful," Montez added. "But I must admit that while I enjoyed discussing Ginsburg and Burroughs with Amy, I was picturing her naked the entire time."

Hammond, 19, also had no complaints. "By showing me that he was interested in my opinion on the literary merits of various Beat writers," she said, "Chris established the level of confidence and trust necessary for me to enthusiastically grind my velveteen vulva against his handsome, slightly stubbled face."

Though as of press time the two have no plans to ever see each other again, both agreed that the oral sex—as well as the worldly and sophisticated conversation and beverages that preceded it—was enriching and rewarding.

"It sure beats talking to some drunken frat guy who's just trying to figure out which girl is most likely to let him in her pants," Hammond said. "I ought to know: My old boyfriend Brad was like that. All he ever wanted was me to do was pleasure him. He was never sensitive to my orgasmic needs, the way Chris was last night."

Java Europa owner Pat Gunther said that Monday's sexual encounter was not the first his coffeehouse had facilitated."Every day, people meet here and go on to enjoy casual, meaningless sexual romps," she said. "Whether it's cunnilingus, fellatio, rimming or fisting, there's something about this place that's conducive to random consensual sex."

Gunther noted that just last Friday, two strangers sat down together and discussed French theorist Michel Foucault before heading off to enjoy heated intercourse.

Jim Wiersma, who owns the Tru-Value hardware store next door to Java Europa, said that his shop has seen little of the sort of encounters familiar to the coffeehouse.

"We don't get too many college students looking for serendipitous sexual dalliances here," Wiersma said. "Mostly we get middle-aged married men looking for extension cords and ratchets and paint primers, that sort of thing."

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