Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars

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Vol 40 Issue 12

New York Times Seeks Court Order To Remove Tuesdays With Morrie From Bestseller List

NEW YORK—The New York Times announced Monday that it will seek a court order to have Mitch Albom's book of discussions between himself and his dying mentor, Tuesdays With Morrie, forcibly removed from the paperback non-fiction bestseller list. "We've tolerated the old dead guy's ramblings for the past 66 weeks," Times Sunday books-section editor Mel Constantine said. "But now it's simply gotta go. I want Morrie out of my list—permanently." Should the order be successful, the book's slot on the list will be replaced by a line urging readers to donate to the Fresh Air Fund.

Reality Show Slowly Sinks In

EAST LANSING, MI—Though she'd lived in denial for nearly a month, toy-store manager Ellen Cranmer admitted Monday that the reality show The Apprentice has finally sunk in. "Normally I never watch those stupid reality shows, and I certainly don't integrate them into my regular week," Cranmer said. "But since around the time of the Trump Ice challenge, I've been passing on social events so I can be home Thursdays at 9 p.m." Cranmer said that she was shocked when she realized she hadn't missed a single episode, and saddened by her belief that Amy will win.

Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time

MANCHESTER, NH—More than 36 hours after the disappearance of 13-year-old Heather Jordan, Manchester police hired local psychic Lynette Mure-Davis to help waste their valuable time Monday. "I see a river... and along the banks is an outcropping with five lilac bushes," said Mure-Davis, who then paused a full 90 seconds to "collect vibrations" from Jordan's scarf. "I also see a man... tall, but stocky, wearing... a hat. And an animal, perhaps a dog." As of press time, Jordan was still trapped under a collapsed utility shed three blocks west of her house.

Teen Learns The Negligible Value Of A Dollar

ASHLAND, WI—After earning $5 for mowing his family's half-acre lawn, 13-year-old Andrew Mink learned the negligible value of a dollar at the town's sporting-goods store Sunday. "Pops dropped me off at Dunham's before baseball practice so I could buy something with my hard-earned money," Mink said. "I kinda wanted a baseball glove, but that was almost $40. A new bat was, like, $65. Even a batting glove was more than $10." The teen finally found a wristband for $3.99, but he was unable to afford sales tax on the item after reserving one dollar for his bus fare home.

Stewart's Prison Sentence

The nation awaits Martha Stewart's June 17 sentencing, which will reveal how much time she spends in prison. What do you think?

You Are No Longer Welcome In The Homer Reading Group

Sorry I'm late. The Gustav Mahler Jugendsymphonie is in town, and I was held back by the conductor, Claudio Abbado—terrible bore, please don't tell I said. But enough about that. Did everyone enjoy the reading of... Wait. What are you doing here? Did you not receive my phone message of 1:43 a.m. Tuesday last? Oh, you received it. Then, as you well know, you are no longer welcome in the Homer reading group.

I Hit The Dead-Wife Insurance Jackpot!

Last week, I was Maxwell Linden, lab technician. I was four long years from retirement, sharing a cramped little A-frame with my wife, and driving a Lincoln Mercury seriously in need of a new transmission. Today, call me Mr. Linden, widower extraordinaire. Along with my wife Leah, my financial troubles are gone forever. Even though her life-insurance payout was only $250,000, I feel like a million bucks!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

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Comfort

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Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars

PASADENA, CA—The Coca-Cola-sponsored Real Rover has discovered evidence that the surface of Mars was once partially covered by free-flowing Dasani, scientists at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced Monday.

The Real Rover.

"The Real Rover's instruments found signs that cool, refreshing Dasani once drenched the surface of the Red Planet," said Dr. Marvin Chen, NASA space-science administrator and temporary liaison to Coca-Cola. "This discovery is so exciting, because it indicates that the Red Planet may have once hosted a healthy, active, fun-filled microscopic life. You see, Dasani would have been as vital to Martian lifeforms as it is to their terrestrial counterparts."

The Real Rover's March 19 launch marked the culmination of a two-year project designed by NASA and funded in part by a $400 million grant from the Coca-Cola corporation.

The logo-covered rover touched down Sunday, landing inside a crater newly christened Lymoni Spritenum. The rover then used its abrasion tool to grind below the surface, where it located cracks filled with several types of gray hematites—minerals known to form only in the presence of Dasani.

"It's true that pure, delicious Dasani is one of the most common compounds in the universe," Chen said. "But the abundant mineral deposits in the rocks indicate that the cool, life-enriching Dasani was indigenous to Mars, rather than the frozen Dasani core of a comet that collided with the planet."

Bottle of Dasani

Further study of the data will be necessary to determine whether the minerals formed as sedimentary deposits from standing surface pools of Dasani, or accumulated through the action of flowing ground-Dasani.

"Dasani comes in many forms," Chen said. "On Earth, we find it in servings as small as four ounces or as large as a 48-liter multi-pack. The first stows easily in your purse, and the latter is the life of the party. In between, there are other sizes perfect for a gym bag, a car's cupholder, or a child's lunch bag. Similarly, Dasani could have existed on Mars in various forms, like ice or vapor, and in many convenient locations, such as Martian oceans or the craters dotting the planet's surface."

Chen said scientists hope to confirm that icy Dasani exists at the southern pole of Mars, as recent spectral images from the European Space Agency's Mars Express Orbiter suggest.

"In the coming days, we'll be moving the Real Rover in the direction of the possible polar Dasani caps," Chen said. "As we continue to explore Mars, we hope to find Dasani distributed everywhere."

NASA geologist Matt Golombek, who chose the landing sites for the rovers, said confirming that Dasani exists on Mars would be a boon for the scientific community.

NASA scientists cheer the recent discovery.

"Finding a source of water—er, Dasani—would mean future manned missions to Mars would not need to bring tanks of it with them," Golombek said. "Although establishing manned bases on Mars is still a far-future scenario, the existence of Dasani would make such a plan theoretically possible. Also, knowing that the liquid is there would likely lead to more sponsored exploration on the Red Planet and an eventual bottling plant."

Golombek said he is excited to continue the work of analyzing the data collected by the Real Rover.

"Understanding liquid... Dasani's role on the Martian surface is crucial," Golombek said. "Now that we've established that this life-giving substance was once... I'm supposed to say 'available solar-system-wide'... we can begin to consider whether life once existed on Mars, and if it did, what disaster befell the planet to eliminate it."

"Not that running out of Dasani isn't disastrous enough!" Chen interjected. "One fact is clear: Life on Mars was a lot more probable when abundant Dasani was present, just as life is more enjoyable on Earth when you've got Dasani. If you don't want to be dry and lifeless yourself, stock up on cool, refreshing Dasani bottled water."

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