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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Cold And Flu Prevention Tips

Here are some tips to help keep you healthy and germ-free during these cold winter months:

Cold And Flu Prevention Tips

  • Sneezing into a handkerchief just redirects germs back at you. Always sneeze outward so as to shoot germs as far across the room as possible.

  • Pack your sinus cavities with Vicks Vap-O-Rub to fully mentholate your respiratory system.
  • Do not blow your stuffed nose into tissues—this is a myth! Always suck your phlegm into the back of your throat and swallow it in great, goblike mouthfuls.
  • You don't have to subject yourself to other people's germs. If you see someone who appears to have a cold or fever, contact your local police department.
  • To prevent infections, have sick people cough into your food. This light "inoculative" dose of germs will boost your body's defenses against a full-blown infection later.
  • If you are a sickly, anemic, weak person, you have a higher susceptibility
    to colds and flu. Try not to be such a pansy-ass.
  • Sometimes, a severe respiratory infection will cause the lungs to fill with fluid. If this occurs, flush your lungs repeatedly with boiling hot water to clear them. A hose down your windpipe will help get around the gag reflex.
  • Make sure your HMO package covers visits to the Halls Of Medicine.
  • The flu is an extremely contagious, life-threatening disease. Flu sufferers should be either shot with a silver bullet or tortured to death by a professionally shriven, church-appointed excruciator.
  • To keep warm in the winter, replace your blood with mom's homemade chicken soup. Noodles should be no greater than one millimeter thick to prevent coronary blockage.
  • Remember: Your body produces phlegm for a reason. Always save your mucous, and keep it near you in jars at all times.
  • Germs generally enter the body through the skin. To protect you from infection, shave yours off.
  • Zinc and Vitamin C help fight colds. Vitamin C can be found in oranges, but zinc is a semi-precious metal found only in Africa. If symptoms persist, organize a jungle safari to seek out the fabled Zinc Mines of Sugolahara.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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