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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Cole Hamels Disgusted By Opposing Pitchers Leaving Trash On Mound

PHILADELPHIA-—During a post-game press conference Tuesday, Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels expressed disgust with opposing pitchers who assume he has no problem picking up their used tissues, candy wrappers, and empty cans between innings. "I'm not a maid," said Hamels, adding that he always makes sure to sweep up, rake the dirt, and disinfect the rubber with Lysol before returning to the dugout. "I'm not asking for much—just that they be decent human beings and not turn the mound we share into their personal garbage dump." Hamels claimed he issued a formal proposal to the MLB suggesting fines for litterbugs who ignore the multiple trash receptacles placed right next to the pitcher's mound.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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