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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Cole Hamels Disgusted By Opposing Pitchers Leaving Trash On Mound

PHILADELPHIA-—During a post-game press conference Tuesday, Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels expressed disgust with opposing pitchers who assume he has no problem picking up their used tissues, candy wrappers, and empty cans between innings. "I'm not a maid," said Hamels, adding that he always makes sure to sweep up, rake the dirt, and disinfect the rubber with Lysol before returning to the dugout. "I'm not asking for much—just that they be decent human beings and not turn the mound we share into their personal garbage dump." Hamels claimed he issued a formal proposal to the MLB suggesting fines for litterbugs who ignore the multiple trash receptacles placed right next to the pitcher's mound.

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