adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Colin Kaepernick

49ers Quarterback

Strength: Lack of NFL experience still allows him capacity to move, use brain; Tattoos of realistic muscle definition make arms look huge; Uncanny ability to take advantage of someone being injured and steal their career

Weakness: Tall, brunette, weak-side blitzing linebackers; Still hasn’t introduced himself to everyone in offensive huddle; Before this month, best known as MVP of 2008 Humanitarian Bowl

Favorite Play (in order): Read-option, read-option, read-option, read-option, read-option

Skills: Pinpoint flexing accuracy; At this rate, will deplete entire turbo meter by third game of 2013 season

Flaws: Makes Jim Harbaugh look like a goddamn genius

Elusiveness: Used mobility and speed to evade Chicago Cubs

Passing: Shit, no, he’s taking off again

Favorite Tattoo: Little butterfly on lower back

NEXT: Michael Crabtree

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close