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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Colin Kaepernick

49ers Quarterback

Strength: Lack of NFL experience still allows him capacity to move, use brain; Tattoos of realistic muscle definition make arms look huge; Uncanny ability to take advantage of someone being injured and steal their career

Weakness: Tall, brunette, weak-side blitzing linebackers; Still hasn’t introduced himself to everyone in offensive huddle; Before this month, best known as MVP of 2008 Humanitarian Bowl

Favorite Play (in order): Read-option, read-option, read-option, read-option, read-option

Skills: Pinpoint flexing accuracy; At this rate, will deplete entire turbo meter by third game of 2013 season

Flaws: Makes Jim Harbaugh look like a goddamn genius

Elusiveness: Used mobility and speed to evade Chicago Cubs

Passing: Shit, no, he’s taking off again

Favorite Tattoo: Little butterfly on lower back

NEXT: Michael Crabtree

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