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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Colin Kaepernick Admits He Learned Nothing From Watching Alex Smith Play Quarterback

SAN FRANCISCO—Coming off his second straight win as 49ers quarterback, Colin Kaepernick admitted to reporters Thursday that watching Alex Smith over the past two years has not helped his game in the slightest. “I wish I could say Alex has been an inspiration to me and all that, but I’ve watched the guy play 27 games now, and honest to God, I didn’t get a single thing out of it,” said Kaepernick, who added that seeing the 8-year veteran in practice and in games has taught him nothing about staying cool in the pocket, reading defenses, improvising when protection breaks down, or leadership either on or off the field. “I guess the only thing I did learn was how to completely fall apart during a conference championship game. That and how to rely on a great running back and phenomenal defense to win games for you. Otherwise, it was pretty much useless.” Kaepernick confirmed that his greatest learning experience since entering the league came while watching Eli Manning play against the 49ers.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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