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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Colin Kaepernick Admits He Learned Nothing From Watching Alex Smith Play Quarterback

SAN FRANCISCO—Coming off his second straight win as 49ers quarterback, Colin Kaepernick admitted to reporters Thursday that watching Alex Smith over the past two years has not helped his game in the slightest. “I wish I could say Alex has been an inspiration to me and all that, but I’ve watched the guy play 27 games now, and honest to God, I didn’t get a single thing out of it,” said Kaepernick, who added that seeing the 8-year veteran in practice and in games has taught him nothing about staying cool in the pocket, reading defenses, improvising when protection breaks down, or leadership either on or off the field. “I guess the only thing I did learn was how to completely fall apart during a conference championship game. That and how to rely on a great running back and phenomenal defense to win games for you. Otherwise, it was pretty much useless.” Kaepernick confirmed that his greatest learning experience since entering the league came while watching Eli Manning play against the 49ers.

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