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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Colin Kaepernick Admits He Learned Nothing From Watching Alex Smith Play Quarterback

SAN FRANCISCO—Coming off his second straight win as 49ers quarterback, Colin Kaepernick admitted to reporters Thursday that watching Alex Smith over the past two years has not helped his game in the slightest. “I wish I could say Alex has been an inspiration to me and all that, but I’ve watched the guy play 27 games now, and honest to God, I didn’t get a single thing out of it,” said Kaepernick, who added that seeing the 8-year veteran in practice and in games has taught him nothing about staying cool in the pocket, reading defenses, improvising when protection breaks down, or leadership either on or off the field. “I guess the only thing I did learn was how to completely fall apart during a conference championship game. That and how to rely on a great running back and phenomenal defense to win games for you. Otherwise, it was pretty much useless.” Kaepernick confirmed that his greatest learning experience since entering the league came while watching Eli Manning play against the 49ers.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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