adBlockCheck

Colin Powell's Tell-All Book: Steroid Use Rampant In White House

Top Headlines

Sports

Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Colin Powell's Tell-All Book: Steroid Use Rampant In White House

WASHINGTON, DC—Top Cabinet officials are up in arms about the allegations of widespread steroid use made by former Secretary of State Colin Powell in his new political tell-all Pumped: Living Fast, Loose, And On The Juice During My Tumultuous DC Days—And Nights.

Appearing on <I>Meet The Press</I>, Powell answers questions about his controversial new book (below).

"I'm gonna get it from all sides for violating the code of silence in the Players Wing," Powell wrote in the book's introduction. "A lot of people out there don't want to know why a politician suddenly gets big. Well, I hate to break it to you, but it ain't always through able policy-drafting."

In the book, Powell paints a picture of a commander-in-chief who not only permitted, but encouraged the use of performance-enhancing drugs, and an attorney general whose buttocks were knotted with gristle from daily injections of equine growth serum.

Powell neither denies nor goes into great detail about his own steroid use.

"I won't deny that I tried it—the stuff was everywhere, especially during the early days," one passage reads. "But I was blessed with certain natural gifts that, combined with my extensive military training, made steroid use largely unnecessary for me."

Powell alleges that during the early days of Operation Enduring Freedom, 80 percent of Bush's Cabinet was abusing steroids.

"The signs were right there, if anyone had cared to pay attention," Powell said. "The bursts of foul-mouthed rage from Cheney... The sudden emergence of Donald Rumsfeld as a major-league heavy hitter in Defense... And how anyone overlooked Condi's pop-eyed, clench-jawed grimace, I'll never know. She was shooting up with synthetic testosterone every six hours—more on Cabinet-meeting days."

Powell argues that tremendous pressure to perform is at the root of steroid abuse among Washington insiders.

"Say you're a politician who's a success in your home state," Powell wrote. "You run for Senate. Bang! Suddenly you're in Washington, mixing it up in the big leagues, and let me tell you, it's a whole different world. You have to hustle harder and work longer just to keep up. You wanna be at the top of the heap? Well, we're all the best of the best and we're all putting in 110 percent every day. A lot of guys will do anything to get a Washington Post headline, and yeah, that includes juicing."

Powell said the pressure gets worse as politicians move up the ladder.

"All eyes are on you—PAC lobbyists are turning up the heat, millions of faithful constituents are watching C-SPAN," Powell wrote. "Take a Cabinet appointee, someone who hasn't even worked his way up through the ranks. Ashcroft, say. The pressure's 10 times worse on a poor sucker like him. If he doesn't swing for the fences, he's failed at the biggest game there is, and there's no such thing as lateral movement in Govvy Town. You're out. Some guys, guys who have been at the top their entire lives, can't take the idea of failure."

According to Powell, White House officials wouldn't abuse politics-enhancing substances if the people in charge didn't push them to do so.

"Okay, I'm gonna come right out and say it," Powell said. "The Big Guy's the one running the show, right from the Oval Office. Let's say your provisions to the Patriot Act are striking out, or you put your foot in your mouth at a press conference. You can expect a little visit. Not the Big Guy himself, but someone will drop by for a little chat. He'll hint that maybe you could add a step, get a little quicker, gain a little more power if you had some of Karl Rove's candy. Oh, Number One's too smart to get caught with it himself, but as sure as I'm standing here, he knows where it is and who's taking it. You better believe it."

A 2002 White House photo that might indicate Powell's steroid-related claims are true.

Chris Matthews, host of the MSNBC show Hardball, argued that Powell's omissions tell more than his disclosures.

"Well, it's an interesting glimpse inside the clubhouse," Matthews said. "But I don't think Powell's telling us everything he knows. All this about steroid abuse—a thing he denied until he had a six-figure book contract—and nothing about the parties, the recreational drugs, the legions of groupies? Sounds to me like Powell's choosing the one area where he was a choirboy and letting everyone else twist in the wind."

As to whether his former boss used performance enhancers, Powell offered a number of questions.

"Well, I'll let you decide," Powell wrote. "But you might want to ask yourself how a career-Republican bench-warmer found the weight and power to beat a giant like McCain in the '99 primaries. And then you might want to think about why his neck has bulled out so much in the past five years. Listen, I respect the man's abilities, but come on. Put two and two together, America."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close