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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Collapsed Mine Used As Excuse To Stall Coal Extraction

CASSVILLE, WV—Although rescue workers have cleared a path wide enough for the usable coal to be extracted through, and miners trapped inside are not so hurt or oxygen-deprived that they could not continue with their tasks, Willard Energy officials decided to halt operations Monday following the collapse of one of their most profitable mines. Company CEO Kenneth Morgan, who should know better than to let emotion interfere with business, offered no explanation as to why paramedics currently digging out the miners are not also collecting coal, or at the very least sending back a load of the precious resource with every body they find. At press time, the Mine Safety and Health Administration has yet to investigate how this tragedy, which may leave tons of coal forever entombed, could have been prevented. 鱼

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