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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Collapsed Mine Used As Excuse To Stall Coal Extraction

CASSVILLE, WV—Although rescue workers have cleared a path wide enough for the usable coal to be extracted through, and miners trapped inside are not so hurt or oxygen-deprived that they could not continue with their tasks, Willard Energy officials decided to halt operations Monday following the collapse of one of their most profitable mines. Company CEO Kenneth Morgan, who should know better than to let emotion interfere with business, offered no explanation as to why paramedics currently digging out the miners are not also collecting coal, or at the very least sending back a load of the precious resource with every body they find. At press time, the Mine Safety and Health Administration has yet to investigate how this tragedy, which may leave tons of coal forever entombed, could have been prevented. 鱼

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