After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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College-Aged Daughter Against Using Straws Now

MIDDLETOWN, CT–Unveiling her latest college-acquired quirk, Wesleyan University freshman Julie Freitag, 18, informed her parents Monday that she is staunchly opposed to the use of drinking straws. "I don't know if it's an environmental-waste thing or an I'm-all-grown-up thing or maybe something else altogether, but she won't touch a straw," said Jim Freitag, her father. "Every time we see her, she's got a new one: First, she wouldn't wear deodorant because of the aluminum, then she wouldn't watch the Oscars because of something to do with the war. But not using straws? What that's about?"

After Birth

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