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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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College-Aged Female Finds Unlikely Kindred Spirit In Audrey Hepburn

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Acknowledging that her improbable affinity for the actress must come as quite a surprise, University of Virginia sophomore Emily DeLong revealed Wednesday that she has found an unexpected kindred spirit in golden age of Hollywood star Audrey Hepburn. “It may seem like an odd thing to say, but I think my favorite actress might be Audrey Hepburn,” said the 19-year-old DeLong, adding that while no one would ever suspect it, she has a Breakfast At Tiffany’s poster hanging in her dorm room. “She was so elegant and down to earth all at the same time, and something about her beauty was just timeless, you know? A lot more so than today’s celebrities.” In another statement coming completely out of left field, DeLong said she had recently bought a vintage film camera and was getting into photography.

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