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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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College Football Player First In Family To Meet NCAA Academic Eligibility Requirements

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Stressing his determination to make the most of the opportunity, local high school linebacker John Clifford, 18, proudly confirmed Wednesday that he will be attending Texas A&M after becoming the first member of his family to meet NCAA eligibility requirements for student-athletes. “It was definitely harder knowing that no one in my family had ever done it before, but I never gave up on my dream of someday completing the 16 core course requirements and maintaining at least a 2.0 GPA in order to play college football,” said Clifford, adding that he only understood the full weight of his achievement after seeing the emotional reaction of his father, a former high school basketball player who never had the chance to attend college because his combined 720 SAT score did not meet NCAA standards. “I’m the one going, but it’s an accomplishment that everyone in my life—my older brother, my parents, and especially my high school teachers and administrators—can share together. There’s a lot of pressure, of course, but I just want to prove that no matter who you are or where you come from, you can pass the academic requisites to play at a collegiate-level sports program.” Clifford also expressed his incredible gratitude for the financial aid he received from Texas A&M, noting that his family never could have afforded to pay for four years of college without the $50,000 in illicit payments from the university.

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