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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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College Freshman Already Loves It

BOSTON—According to roommate sources, 18-year-old Lauren Frand called her older brother, Jason, 24, just hours after being dropped off at her co-ed dormitory Sunday to tell him how much she already loves being a college student. "I was just in the dorm across the hall and we were all listening to this kid playing James Blunt songs on his acoustic guitar," said Frand, who also expressed excitement at hearing that professors rarely take attendance. "My schedule is really great because it allows me to wake up every morning at 9 a.m.—way later than I had to in high school." Frand added that she's stoked to finally be an independent adult without anyone watching out for her.

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