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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen. “I have given this matter plenty of thought, weighing the various benefits and drawbacks, and I’ve decided that, henceforth, I will be one of those guys who always has on a blue-and-gold lanyard with a little pouch at the end for my student ID, dorm key, and cash,” said Peterson, adding that he was still considering whether and how often he would remove the lanyard from around his neck and swing it in circles until it wrapped around his fingers, then reverse the process to unfurl it. “There were, of course, other paths I could’ve taken, such as being the kid who brings a Nalgene bottle everywhere, the guy who wears Zubaz around the dorms, or the student who smuggles food out of the cafeteria. For me, though, wearing a lanyard every time I’m seen in public feels like the right move.” At press time, Peterson was thinking about upgrading to a lanyard with a retractable keyring that he could compulsively extend and snap back at all hours of the day.


College checklist: Meet roommate, enroll in classes, pack Cheetos.

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