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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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College Freshman From Florida Has Never Seen People Complain About Snow For 5 Months Before

ITHACA, NY—Marveling at how different winter is in the Northeast compared to her hometown in Florida, Ithaca College freshman Emilie Sherman told reporters Tuesday that this was the very first time she had ever seen people complain about snow for five consecutive months. “Growing up in Sarasota, of course there was never any incessant whining about snow, so I was completely amazed when I saw that first person go on and on for months on end about how annoying the snow was,” said a visibly awestruck Sherman, adding that while she had previously heard how harsh and lengthy the complaints about winter could be in the northern U.S., the amount of ceaseless grumbling she’s seen this year went far beyond anything she had ever imagined. “It’s remarkable—I just can’t believe the bitching continues this long every year. I’m still stunned every time I look around and see all of it.” Despite her astonishment, Sherman said she couldn’t wait to return home over break and get back to her more familiar year-round gripes about the heat and humidity.

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