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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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College Freshman From Florida Has Never Seen People Complain About Snow For 5 Months Before

ITHACA, NY—Marveling at how different winter is in the Northeast compared to her hometown in Florida, Ithaca College freshman Emilie Sherman told reporters Tuesday that this was the very first time she had ever seen people complain about snow for five consecutive months. “Growing up in Sarasota, of course there was never any incessant whining about snow, so I was completely amazed when I saw that first person go on and on for months on end about how annoying the snow was,” said a visibly awestruck Sherman, adding that while she had previously heard how harsh and lengthy the complaints about winter could be in the northern U.S., the amount of ceaseless grumbling she’s seen this year went far beyond anything she had ever imagined. “It’s remarkable—I just can’t believe the bitching continues this long every year. I’m still stunned every time I look around and see all of it.” Despite her astonishment, Sherman said she couldn’t wait to return home over break and get back to her more familiar year-round gripes about the heat and humidity.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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