College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School

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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

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CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

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ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

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RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Good Times

College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School

COCONUT CREEK, FL—Less than five months after graduating from Bayshore High School, 18-year-old Henry Doyle returned to his lowly alma mater Monday a wise and conquering college freshman.

Henry Doyle freely roams the halls of Bayshore High—a privilege he would have needed a pass for just last spring.

"I'm back, Bayshore High," Doyle announced as he pulled his mother's Toyota Camry slowly into the parking lot normally reserved for faculty, emerging with a knowing grin. "Bet you never thought you'd see the likes of me again!"

After pausing to behold any students who might have taken notice of his momentous arrival, Doyle determined that many were too intimidated to say hello or even look in his general direction, so he marched indoors.

According to sources, the Nova Southeastern University freshman spent the next two hours striding like a Roman general through the halls of his former school, smiling at distracted teachers, nodding at confused members of the janitorial staff, and leaning back against the school's trophy case for nearly 25 minutes.

"Some of the kids who don't know who I am will probably just think I'm some hip, young teacher," the returning hero said as he was repeatedly pushed aside by a crowd of students rushing to get to class. "And I bet those who do know me will be shocked at how much taller and more mature I look. Some of them might even flip out.'

"For one thing, I didn't have this bad boy back then," added Doyle, tracing his finger along a finely bearded jawline.

The first of many stops made by Doyle during his exultant tour of Bayshore High was the school's main office, where in his younger days he had helped sort the faculty mail. After waiting several minutes for Ms. Karpman, the school secretary, to get off the phone, and being mistaken for another student by the name of "Frank," Doyle was warmly welcomed back by the receptionist, who was struck silent by his confidence and charm.

"Did you see her face?" Doyle asked reporters. "She almost had a heart attack when I explained to her who I was."

Following a brief excursion to the cafeteria, where he lamented the meager options available to those "still in high school," and wondered how "kids not yet in college" could eat so early in the day, the towering freshman reportedly decided to visit his favorite former teacher.

Doyle said he eagerly anticipated seeing Mrs. Shelton, who had wished him luck in his yearbook and invited him to drop by if he was ever in the neighborhood. Striding up to her as she entered her third-period class, Doyle had just begun explaining the advantages of a college-caliber syllabus over a standard high school course outline when the bell rang.

"I thought she might ask me to sit in, but she just sort of waved goodbye and started class," Doyle said. "I knew I'd probably be way too distracting to those kids, so I decided to just hang out in the hall until she was done."

It was during this period of waiting, sources reported, that Doyle encountered seniors Greg Hollis and Vanessa Pope, both of whom were in his trigonometry class the previous year.

"They were pretty taken aback," Doyle said. "I bet they thought I'd be too stuck-up to visit this place or to talk to people like them. Probably the last thing they ever expected was for me to offer my e-mail so that we could hang out the next time I'm around."

Hollis and Pope confirmed that their former classmate had taken time from his glorious homecoming to offer them words of encouragement.

"It was a little weird," Hollis said. "We never really talked before. He said I probably remembered him without the beard, so I said yeah, that was it. I didn't even know he graduated. I thought he was our age."

With the guidance counselor he had hoped to visit away on vacation, and a couple of large 10th-graders giving him a hard time, Doyle said the moment had come for him to once again take his leave of Bayshore High.

"I'll head over to McDonald's, I think," Doyle told reporters with a quick nod. "Some of the guys I used to hang out with might be there. Plus, I don't think I can handle all this attention for much longer. Best to just leave everyone wanting more."

And with that, Doyle exited his school via the same double doors through which he had entered a mere six hours before.

"Don't worry, though," he added. "I'll be back."