adBlockCheck

College Freshman Thinking It Might Be Time To Break Up With His High School Teacher

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

College Freshman Thinking It Might Be Time To Break Up With His High School Teacher

The 18-year-old says continuing to date his high school teacher has prevented him from fully experiencing college life.
The 18-year-old says continuing to date his high school teacher has prevented him from fully experiencing college life.

AMHERST, MA—Saying he had entered a new phase in his life and wanted to start with a clean slate, University of Massachusetts freshman Seth Erickson told reporters Tuesday he was seriously considering breaking up with his high school teacher Karen Hull.

Erickson, whose evening phone calls with Hull have grown less frequent since he left for college and she returned to classes at Gresham Hills High School, lamented that he would rather be out socializing with his new friends than listening to her “rehash the same old stories” about life in his hometown of Waltham, MA.

“Karen’s great and everything, but I’m in a much different place now than I was last fall when we started dating,” Erickson said of his relationship with the high school English teacher. “It’s not that I don’t like her anymore—it’s just that I can’t see myself spending the next four years with someone I dated in high school. I should be going out with college girls, you know?”

“And wouldn’t it make more sense for her to date guys who go to high school with her?” he continued. “And besides, I heard a rumor she has a crush on [star quarterback] Jeremy Kovics.”

Erickson confirmed the spark had gone out of their relationship and said all that remained for him were faded memories of making out in Hull’s car in their school’s parking lot, receiving her salacious text messages between classes, and exchanging knowing looks with her during fourth-period English.

In addition to citing the usual difficulties of carrying on a long-distance romance, Erickson noted that he was busy with his schoolwork and Hull was busy with hers. Between tests, term papers, and just staying prepared for classes, he said, they were finding it difficult to make time for each other.

“The last time she came up to stay in my dorm room, the whole situation was just awkward,” said Erickson, adding that he wished they could be together at the same school, but that it just wasn’t possible with him pursuing a career in engineering and her pursuing one in education. “Everyone on my floor thought it was really weird, and they could tell that something was wrong. I guess it’s just that I’m in college now and I ought to be moving on from all that high school stuff.”

“Karen and I had a good run, but realistically, how many people go on to marry their high school teacher?” he added.

According to Erickson, Hull herself has often stated during their year together that “things can’t keep going on like this forever.” There were even a few strained times when Hull reportedly said she “just wanted this whole thing to stop,” claiming their relationship didn’t feel right and that it might be better if they didn’t see each other outside of class.

“I’ll see her when I head back for homecoming next month, and even though I’ll have broken things off by then, I hope we can both be adults about it,” said Erickson, not ruling out the possibility of a quick, no-strings-attached hookup “if things are back to being cool” between them. “I think it’s clear that we just weren’t meant to be.”

He added, “Besides, she has a husband.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close