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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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College Graduate First Person In Family To Waste $160,000

WILKES-BARRE, PA—Saying that his great grandparents could have never even dreamed of squandering such a fortune, recent college graduate Eric Singer told reporters Monday that he is the first person in his family to throw away $160,000. “This level of debt was just out of reach for my father and grandfather, which makes my wasting so much money all the more meaningful,” said Singer, noting that his mother only flushed $12,000 down the toilet during her time in school. “It’s an honor to be the first in my family to experience blowing hundreds of dollars on textbooks, or meeting with financial aid officers to fill out the paperwork locking me into a lifetime of crippling interest rates. I’m destroying my credit history in a way that just wasn’t possible for them when they were my age.” Singer added that he also hopes to be the first person in his neighborhood to rack up another $200,000 in tuition bills during law school.

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