Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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College Professor Reminds Students It Will Take A Few Classes To Memorize Everyone’s Triggers

BOULDER, CO—Saying he would try his best to learn them all by heart, University of Colorado professor Derek Pollard took a moment Tuesday to remind his students it will take him a few classes to memorize everyone’s triggers. “I always have a hard time at the beginning of the semester remembering what everyone can comfortably talk about, so if you could all write your triggers down on the sheet I’m passing around, I can start putting faces to sensitivities,” said Pollard, who asked each student to help him out by staying in the same seat each week and reminding him what topics are off-limits to them the first few times they are called on. “I apologize in advance if I mix you up and accidentally confuse your triggers with someone else’s; you’re just going to have to bear with me on this. I have 250 students in three classes this term, so it’s going to be a bit of a challenge recalling what I can’t say around each of you.” Pollard added that he also had office hours for any student who would like to individually threaten him with calls for administrative disciplinary action should he happen to discuss a topic that caused them personal distress.

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