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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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College Residence Office Gets Kick Out Of Pairing Up Few Roommates Who Will Fucking Hate Each Other

BOSTON—While noting that they match 99 percent of incoming freshmen by compatibility, officials from Boston University’s Office of Residence Life admitted Tuesday that every once in a while they get a kick out of pairing up roommates who will absolutely fucking despise one another. “Most of the time we look at admitted students’ questionnaires on tidiness and study habits to find the most suitable matches, but every so often we let ourselves have a little fun by putting two people together who will make each other’s every moment in the dorm a living nightmare,” said the department’s director, David Zamojski, adding that his staffers can’t help chuckling to themselves whenever they imagine that small handful of students who arrive each year and realize within the first 24 hours that they want nothing more than to get the hell out of their arrangement as soon as possible. “We want the vast majority of matriculating students to have a relaxed, enjoyable freshman year, so we pair them with someone who has similar preferences and tendencies. However, from time to time we’ll go ahead and throw an asthmatic in with a chain-smoker, or an early riser with someone who plays loud music all night. It’s a real treat for us.” Zamojski added that if a student ever felt too uncomfortable in their living situation, they could always be reassigned to a new roommate who’s weird as fuck but at least tolerable.


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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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