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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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College Residence Office Gets Kick Out Of Pairing Up Few Roommates Who Will Fucking Hate Each Other

BOSTON—While noting that they match 99 percent of incoming freshmen by compatibility, officials from Boston University’s Office of Residence Life admitted Tuesday that every once in a while they get a kick out of pairing up roommates who will absolutely fucking despise one another. “Most of the time we look at admitted students’ questionnaires on tidiness and study habits to find the most suitable matches, but every so often we let ourselves have a little fun by putting two people together who will make each other’s every moment in the dorm a living nightmare,” said the department’s director, David Zamojski, adding that his staffers can’t help chuckling to themselves whenever they imagine that small handful of students who arrive each year and realize within the first 24 hours that they want nothing more than to get the hell out of their arrangement as soon as possible. “We want the vast majority of matriculating students to have a relaxed, enjoyable freshman year, so we pair them with someone who has similar preferences and tendencies. However, from time to time we’ll go ahead and throw an asthmatic in with a chain-smoker, or an early riser with someone who plays loud music all night. It’s a real treat for us.” Zamojski added that if a student ever felt too uncomfortable in their living situation, they could always be reassigned to a new roommate who’s weird as fuck but at least tolerable.


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