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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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College Roommates To Continue Bonding Process Until Real Friends Made

BOSTON—Sources at Boston University's Shelton Hall reported Monday that freshmen Paul Seltzer and Michael Thiru will continue building a rapport with each other until one of them has found a group of real friends, after which the randomly paired roommates will gradually cease their social interactions. "Until I meet people I genuinely like and want to be around, it's nice to have this kind of interim friendship with someone I can go to the dining hall and house parties with," said Seltzer, whose recent trip to the campus computer store to help Thiru get a printer will later be remembered as an odd fragment from his early pre-friend college days. "Soon enough we'll just be two classmates who share a room and awkwardly say hello when passing each other on the quad." In addition, Seltzer will reportedly continue receiving communications from his former high school girlfriend until an unspecified date in September, when she finds her real romantic partner.

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