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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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College Roommates To Continue Bonding Process Until Real Friends Made

BOSTON—Sources at Boston University's Shelton Hall reported Monday that freshmen Paul Seltzer and Michael Thiru will continue building a rapport with each other until one of them has found a group of real friends, after which the randomly paired roommates will gradually cease their social interactions. "Until I meet people I genuinely like and want to be around, it's nice to have this kind of interim friendship with someone I can go to the dining hall and house parties with," said Seltzer, whose recent trip to the campus computer store to help Thiru get a printer will later be remembered as an odd fragment from his early pre-friend college days. "Soon enough we'll just be two classmates who share a room and awkwardly say hello when passing each other on the quad." In addition, Seltzer will reportedly continue receiving communications from his former high school girlfriend until an unspecified date in September, when she finds her real romantic partner.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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