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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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College Roommates To Continue Bonding Process Until Real Friends Made

BOSTON—Sources at Boston University's Shelton Hall reported Monday that freshmen Paul Seltzer and Michael Thiru will continue building a rapport with each other until one of them has found a group of real friends, after which the randomly paired roommates will gradually cease their social interactions. "Until I meet people I genuinely like and want to be around, it's nice to have this kind of interim friendship with someone I can go to the dining hall and house parties with," said Seltzer, whose recent trip to the campus computer store to help Thiru get a printer will later be remembered as an odd fragment from his early pre-friend college days. "Soon enough we'll just be two classmates who share a room and awkwardly say hello when passing each other on the quad." In addition, Seltzer will reportedly continue receiving communications from his former high school girlfriend until an unspecified date in September, when she finds her real romantic partner.

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Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

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