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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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College Senior Holding Out Hope That Internship Will Lead To Class-Action Lawsuit

NEW YORK—Aiming to transition seamlessly from her current position, college senior Molly Black is holding out hope that her current internship with BrownLink Media will lead to a class-action lawsuit, sources confirmed Monday. “I spend 12-hour days here, six days a week, so I think I have a decent shot of leveraging this experience directly into a legal battle against the company,” said Black, 21, adding that working through her legally mandated lunch hour would likely further increase her chances of staying on long-term as a plaintiff in a multiyear trial. “I think if I keep my nose to the grindstone like this, there’s a pretty good chance I’ll get a slice of a huge settlement. Hopefully I’ll impress attorneys enough to make all this hard work worthwhile.” Black added that if the class-action lawsuit didn’t pan out, there was still an outside chance she’d be a good candidate for sexual harassment litigation.

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