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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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College Senior Holding Out Hope That Internship Will Lead To Class-Action Lawsuit

NEW YORK—Aiming to transition seamlessly from her current position, college senior Molly Black is holding out hope that her current internship with BrownLink Media will lead to a class-action lawsuit, sources confirmed Monday. “I spend 12-hour days here, six days a week, so I think I have a decent shot of leveraging this experience directly into a legal battle against the company,” said Black, 21, adding that working through her legally mandated lunch hour would likely further increase her chances of staying on long-term as a plaintiff in a multiyear trial. “I think if I keep my nose to the grindstone like this, there’s a pretty good chance I’ll get a slice of a huge settlement. Hopefully I’ll impress attorneys enough to make all this hard work worthwhile.” Black added that if the class-action lawsuit didn’t pan out, there was still an outside chance she’d be a good candidate for sexual harassment litigation.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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