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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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College Student Still Managing To Look Like Asshole In Picture Of Village He Helped Build

PRINCETON, NJ—Even while posing for a picture alongside impoverished people he helped provide humanitarian aid to, college junior Dave Morris—with that smug, know-it-all look on his face and that shit-eating grin you just want to smack off his mouth—still looks like a complete and total asshole, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You’d think David wouldn’t look like such a self-centered prick when he’s standing in a village where he helped install modernized plumbing and build a new school, but check out those Ray-Bans hanging around his neck and that water bottle he’s dangling from his index finger,” said classmate Ryan Brandt, adding that the photo confirms Morris even continued to gel his hair into that dipshit spike of his during the trip. “Just look at him: He’s got his polo shirt sort of half tucked in to his khaki jungle shorts, you know he probably thought he looked really cool and rugged in that stupid headband, and he’s giving the thumbs-up, like, ‘Hey, everybody, look at me—I’m the world’s biggest fuckwad.’” Fellow student Shelly Carson said that she’ll probably want to puke when Morris returns to school and talks about how the experience changed his life.

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