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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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College Student Still Managing To Look Like Asshole In Picture Of Village He Helped Build

PRINCETON, NJ—Even while posing for a picture alongside impoverished people he helped provide humanitarian aid to, college junior Dave Morris—with that smug, know-it-all look on his face and that shit-eating grin you just want to smack off his mouth—still looks like a complete and total asshole, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You’d think David wouldn’t look like such a self-centered prick when he’s standing in a village where he helped install modernized plumbing and build a new school, but check out those Ray-Bans hanging around his neck and that water bottle he’s dangling from his index finger,” said classmate Ryan Brandt, adding that the photo confirms Morris even continued to gel his hair into that dipshit spike of his during the trip. “Just look at him: He’s got his polo shirt sort of half tucked in to his khaki jungle shorts, you know he probably thought he looked really cool and rugged in that stupid headband, and he’s giving the thumbs-up, like, ‘Hey, everybody, look at me—I’m the world’s biggest fuckwad.’” Fellow student Shelly Carson said that she’ll probably want to puke when Morris returns to school and talks about how the experience changed his life.

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