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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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College’s New CareerLink Program Connects Students With Thousands Of Annoyed Alums

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Marist College announced in a press release Friday the launch of its new online CareerLink program, allowing for easier communication between college seniors preparing to enter the workforce and irritated alumni who have zero interest in getting involved. “Historically, it’s been a challenge for students to find and connect with alumni working in their desired field in order to burden them with their fears about future unemployment, but with this new web-based interface, those busy adults who really don’t have time for this are just a click away,” wrote college spokesman Alan Wasserman of the online database containing the email addresses and phone numbers of thousands of Marist graduates who can think of nothing less enjoyable than listening to an endless stream of 22-year-olds pester them about potential job openings. “And from the perspective of our alumni out there in the working world, the CareerLink service hooks them into a vast network of inexperienced undergrads they’ve never met, have no intention of ever recommending to be hired, and who frankly are just wasting their time. It’s a great tool for bringing the whole Marist community together.” Wasserman added that the school would finance the CareerLink platform by repeatedly needling annoyed, debt-saddled alums for donations.

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