adBlockCheck

Colorado Judge Imposes Ban On Same-Sex Friendships

Top Headlines

Politics

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Colorado Judge Imposes Ban On Same-Sex Friendships

In a landmark decision being watched closely by both civil liberties advocates and people who have friends, Colorado Fifth District Judge Stephen T. Rozema yesterday upheld a ban on same-sex friendships in the state of Colorado. The decision, which effectively outlaws “casual, consensual, mutually friendly relationships between two individuals of the same gender,” is expected to have a major impact on the legality of same-sex friendships across the U.S.

The controversial decision is based on the case of Greeley, CO, residents John Rooney and Frank Costanada, two friends who were planning a weekend rock-climbing trip to Yosemite National Park this July. After their travel agent informed local authorities that she suspected they were friends, a local appellate court blocked the trip, deeming it “wholly inappropriate.”

“These two men were in great danger of enjoying each other’s company,” the judge said. “They may have attempted to communicate meaningfully with each other, shared stories and anecdotes, or possibly even engaged in physical contact, such as ‘high-fiving’ after a successful climb.”

“Such behavior,” the judge added, “is an abomination.”

Judge Rozema expounded on the lower court decision, ruling that “these sorts of close, mutually agreeable relations between two men are not what God had in mind when he created Adam and Eve.” He later added, “This is why they weren’t called Adam and Steve.”

While conservatives are applauding the Colorado decision, many believe it does not go far enough. U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) recently called for the ban to extend to same-sex conversations, calling them “unnatural.” Thurmond is also the author of the much-discussed Proposition D, which would outlaw same-sex locker rooms.

“Men should be showering with women, not other men. Though if they do shower together, they should be legally married before God.”

Two states, Missouri and Louisiana, have already made same-sex locker rooms illegal, instituting a mandatory co-ed policy that requires all showerers to be paired up with a partner of the opposite sex and be legally married before entering the bathing area.

Kansas City resident Jennifer Jacobs, 34, was recently wed before showering at her health club with Gene Skellings, a 63-year-old executive from the suburb of Mitchell Park.

“I wanted to work out and then take a shower,” Jacobs said. “But in accordance with the law, I married Mr. Skellings and will serve him as my husband for the rest of my life.”

President Clinton, who, despite supporting same-sex friendships in the 1992 campaign, calling them “valuable and nurturing bonds that fit the definition of acceptable behavior as prescribed by the Lord Christ in Heaven,” was pleased by the judge’s decision.

“I very much support eight-to-ten person same-sex gatherings, such as ladies’ bridge groups or men’s poker nights,” said Clinton, who confessed to playing in a monthly high-stakes poker game with top generals and heads of the military industrial establishment. “Two men alone, though—no way.”

Despite President Clinton’s support, rumors persist that Clinton himself has engaged in a friendship with former U.S. Energy Secretary James McEwen, with whom he has periodically been seen eating lunch. “Mr. McEwen is an associate of mine, and our lunches are strictly strategy sessions,” Clinton said.

Clinton did not deny, however, that when playing golf with McEwen, they sometimes walk ahead of Secret Service agents and are briefly alone, a practice that has prompted many to question Clinton’s suitability as a moral leader.

The Colorado ban is expected to pave the way for other states, many of which have similar legislation pending. Conservatives are working hard to not only ban same-sex friendships on a national basis, but also to outlaw any asexual reproduction in the single-cell invertebrate community.

“These filthy and immoral invertebrates are not acting in accordance with the Bible and, by His holy Word, must be put to death,” Thurmond said.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close