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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Colorado Legalizes Medicinal Fireworks

DENVER—Establishing Colorado as a pioneer in recognizing the therapeutic benefits of explosions, a new law passed Tuesday will allow state residents with a doctor’s prescription to acquire small quantities of medicinal fireworks. “Studies have shown that many patients suffering from chronic pain, glaucoma, or debilitating terminal conditions have responded positively to fireworks, with most showing visible improvements in mood and well-being through repeated use; so my question is, why shouldn’t they be able to obtain small amounts of pyrotechnics safely and legally?” said Sen. Andy Kerr, who authored the legislation that provides Coloradans in need with up to 20 ounces of bottle rockets, flying spinners, aerial shells, or loose flash powder each month. “For many people going through intensive chemotherapy or suffering from frequent seizures, lighting up a Roman candle in the privacy of their own property or packing a mailbox full of M-80s and seeing it get blown sky-high has a strong beneficial effect on their overall wellness. Who are we to deny the most ailing among us the comfort that loud, colorful explosions can offer?” Kerr added that the tax revenue from the state’s network of regulated fireworks dispensaries would more than cover the cost of education and treatment for those who abuse fireworks recreationally.

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