Colorado Legalizes Medicinal Fireworks

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 16

Ronald McDonald Gets Millennial Makeover

McDonald’s officials announced this week that they are redesigning longtime mascot Ronald McDonald with a new outfit and will begin mentioning him on Twitter using the hashtag #ronaldmcdonald, though he does not yet have an account of his own.

Local TCBY Has Missed Past 2 Logo Changes

Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Colorado Legalizes Medicinal Fireworks

DENVER—Establishing Colorado as a pioneer in recognizing the therapeutic benefits of explosions, a new law passed Tuesday will allow state residents with a doctor’s prescription to acquire small quantities of medicinal fireworks. “Studies have shown that many patients suffering from chronic pain, glaucoma, or debilitating terminal conditions have responded positively to fireworks, with most showing visible improvements in mood and well-being through repeated use; so my question is, why shouldn’t they be able to obtain small amounts of pyrotechnics safely and legally?” said Sen. Andy Kerr, who authored the legislation that provides Coloradans in need with up to 20 ounces of bottle rockets, flying spinners, aerial shells, or loose flash powder each month. “For many people going through intensive chemotherapy or suffering from frequent seizures, lighting up a Roman candle in the privacy of their own property or packing a mailbox full of M-80s and seeing it get blown sky-high has a strong beneficial effect on their overall wellness. Who are we to deny the most ailing among us the comfort that loud, colorful explosions can offer?” Kerr added that the tax revenue from the state’s network of regulated fireworks dispensaries would more than cover the cost of education and treatment for those who abuse fireworks recreationally.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More