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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Colorado Rockies: 'What The Fuck Just Happened?'

DENVER—Days after the Boston Red Sox completed their four-game sweep to win the 2007 World Series, Colorado Rockies players dressed in full uniform were still standing on the field experiencing various degrees of shock. "We…we…we were winning lots of games? And then? Then we were losing all these games? Because the Red Sox came and hit and hit and hit and they didn't, they didn't stop…" said Rockies outfielder Ryan Spilborghs, pointing at the left field wall with a shaking and dirty finger before turning, pointing at the right field wall, and repeating the words he has been speaking nonstop since Sunday night. "They hit here, and here, and through the gap there, and they… Oh, God, what happened? What the fuck just happened to us?" Rockies team officials released an erratically worded, hand-scrawled statement today saying they would address any psychological issues just as soon as the World Series is over.

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