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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Colt McCoy's Unusually Tragic Boyhood Dream Comes True

PASADENA, CA—Following a 37-21 loss to Alabama in which he suffered a game-ending injury just five plays in and was forced to watch the Crimson Tide defense take advantage of his absence, Texas quarterback Colt McCoy told reporters that the heart-breaking defeat fulfilled a depressing dream he has had since he was a boy growing up in New Mexico. "I think every kid, whether he is playing high school football or a pickup game with friends, imagines what it would be like to one day lead your team to the Rose Bowl, stand on the sidelines, and then helplessly watch your team get dismantled on the grandest stage imaginable," said a teary-eyed McCoy, adding that the irony of never missing a game due to injury until the most important game of his life was just icing on the cake. "This was a dreadful storybook ending. I really couldn't ask for more." McCoy added that he plans on fulfilling another of his wretched boyhood dreams by being a bust in the upcoming NFL draft and having a largely disappointing NFL career.

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