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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Colts Claim To Still Be Undefeated: 'We Beat Ourselves'

DALLAS—Indianapolis Colts players and coaches informed reporters that their team still remains undefeated despite their poor showing against the Dallas Cowboys last Sunday, claiming that the Colts had in fact beaten themselves with a poor offense and a defense that collapsed in the latter part of the second half and had, therefore, technically won. "Let's get this straight—the only team capable of beating the Indianapolis Colts is the Indianapolis Colts. And, since we clearly did so, it follows logically that we're still undefeated," said Colts head coach Tony Dungy during a post-game press conference, adding that he is pleased that his team is still leading the American Football Conference by two games. "I have to tell you, it feels good to be 10-0. It might not have been pretty, but a win's a win." Dungy said he has already told his players to forget about this week's victory, and stressed that he was concentrating on making the playoffs and "hardly wasting any time whatsoever" thinking about staying undefeated.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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