adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Colts Claim To Still Be Undefeated: 'We Beat Ourselves'

DALLAS—Indianapolis Colts players and coaches informed reporters that their team still remains undefeated despite their poor showing against the Dallas Cowboys last Sunday, claiming that the Colts had in fact beaten themselves with a poor offense and a defense that collapsed in the latter part of the second half and had, therefore, technically won. "Let's get this straight—the only team capable of beating the Indianapolis Colts is the Indianapolis Colts. And, since we clearly did so, it follows logically that we're still undefeated," said Colts head coach Tony Dungy during a post-game press conference, adding that he is pleased that his team is still leading the American Football Conference by two games. "I have to tell you, it feels good to be 10-0. It might not have been pretty, but a win's a win." Dungy said he has already told his players to forget about this week's victory, and stressed that he was concentrating on making the playoffs and "hardly wasting any time whatsoever" thinking about staying undefeated.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close