Colts Tap Quarterback Peyton Manning To Start Playoff Game

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Colts Tap Quarterback Peyton Manning To Start Playoff Game

INDIANAPOLIS—Indianapolis Colts head coach Jim Caldwell told reporters Thursday he has decided to start 13-year veteran and 11-time Pro Bowler Peyton Manning at quarterback for Saturday's wild-card matchup against the New York Jets. "After much deliberation, we believe that Peyton's four MVP awards and one Super Bowl ring give us the best chance to win," said Caldwell, adding that Manning being a first-ballot Hall of Famer "factored somewhat" into his final decision. "Curtis Painter is a promising young player, but at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself, 'Do I go with the guy who has 28 career pass attempts or with the fastest player in NFL history to reach 1,000 completions, 2,000 completions, 3,000 completions, and 4,000 completions?'" Caldwell concluded the press conference by stressing that it's "always week-to-week," but Manning would likely be the frontrunner to start a divisional matchup should he lead the team to victory Saturday.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close