Columbia Pictures To Release 'Digitally Re-Zeitgeisted' Big Chill

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Vol 32 Issue 15

Southern Comfort Comforts Southerner

SMYRNA, TN—A well-known brand of alcohol proved worthy of its name Sunday as a bottle of Southern Comfort comforted Southerner Melvin Shifflett, providing him with a warm sense of well-being as he retreated into the soothing glow of intoxication. "I am definitely comforted right now," the 34-year-old Shifflett said. "The high alcohol content of this whiskey, not to mention its pleasant cherry flavor, has made me forget all about the pain of my recent divorce and mounting credit-card debt."

Six-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess

MILESBURG, PA—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Monday, area six-year-old Stephanie Ambrose unveiled plans to become a ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess when she grows up. "Ashley is very much interested in that particular field," said Ambrose’s mother Patricia. "But she’s still keeping her options open: She’s also considering becoming an astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy."

Area Gym Class Prepares For Mandatory Exposure Of Penises To Peers

ROANOKE, VA—It was learned Monday that male students in Riverview Middle School’s fourth-period gym class are preparing, as they do before every scheduled hour of physical education, for mandatory exposure of their near-hairless, tiny, adolescent penises to the scrutiny of their peers. "Everyone’s got to be completely nude," said gym teacher Randall Slavin. "Anyone refusing to participate in the group nudity will be disciplined under school policy." Said seventh-grader Tim Hilfer: "I’d known James Ketchner ever since he and his mom moved here from Phoenix. We’ve been in school together a long time, but in all those years I’d never seen his penis. Now, I see his penis five days a week, and he sees mine."

North Korea Ranked Least-Entertained Nation On Earth

UNITED NATIONS—A U.N. study released Tuesday revealed that North Korea is the least-entertained nation on earth. The notoriously isolated Communist nation ranked last in all 57 of the study’s entertainment-related statistical subcategories, including celebrity-to-ordinary-citizen ratio, number of Nintendo 64s per thousand persons, and per capita fun. "These North Koreans are starving for the sort of Hollywood-style thrills that we take for granted here in the U.S.," Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said. "It’s tragic."

War And Remembrance

To-day is Armistice Day, the day when we remember those who have fallen in battle defending our great Republic. I myself never served in the military, but I am proud to say that throughout my long life, I have instigated much violence and blood-shed.

Seize Him!

Ah, yes. I see you have captured my elusive Earthling quarry at last. Well done, guard! You have greatly pleased your master. Bring him forward at once! I wish to speak with him face to face... before his annihilation.

The Basics Of Cruising

Hola amigos. How's it hangin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but a lot of shit's been going down in Jim's part of town. See, I been working my ass off at this new job. You know how on trucks they have those running boards which are black, but they aren't painted because paint would come off real fast? Well, I work at a place where we put some black-powder crap onto the metal running boards and bake it for a while so it won't come off, even if you go off-roading. I guess you'd call me a powder boy, 'cause I apply the powder to the metal.

Ergonomic Advisors Call For $30 Million In Federal Lumbar Support

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling America’s current ergonomic situation "terribly strenuous on the nation’s lower-back region," a panel of top ergonomic advisors called upon Congress Monday to pass legislation allocating $30 million in federal lumbar support. "If the government does not begin addressing the problems facing the U.S. ergonomy," said MIT ergonomist Bryan Lam, "this nation will be unable to stand up in a few years."
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Columbia Pictures To Release 'Digitally Re-Zeitgeisted' Big Chill

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In honor of the 15th anniversary of the release of The Big Chill, Columbia Pictures announced Monday plans to rerelease the generation-defining baby-boomer film early next year in a newly contextualized, digitally re-zeitgeisted format.

The 1983 comedy/drama, which focuses on a group of thirtysomethings struggling to cope with divorce, family responsibilities, their lost youth, and the fallout of the 1960s, has been painstakingly remastered by director Lawrence Kasdan at a cost of $25 million to reflect the changes in baby boomers' obsessions and preoccupations during the decade and a half since its release.

"It was very important to me that this movie remain relevant in the late '90s," Kasdan said. "So I decided to go back and redo a number of scenes, using cutting-edge computer effects to replace the characters' hand-wringing about the lost ideals of the '60s with hand-wringing about their own approaching mortality. The characters' new concerns have been seamlessly edited into the existing reels in a way that hopefully will serve to more profoundly re-contextualize the picture for aging boomers, making it more relevant than ever."

Kasdan said he is particularly proud of one of the "new" scenes, in which the characters played by Glenn Close and Mary Beth Hurt discuss menopause. "It's such a hot-button '90s issue," he said. "Women generally didn't talk about it back in the early '80s, and certainly not these characters, who were nowhere near middle age when the film was made. But in the context of today, it has real resonance."

Among other additions to the new, re-zeitgeisted version: references to crack, AIDS, and the Internet; a Jeff Goldblum-Kevin Kline feud over money markets; and an updated soundtrack that replaces the original's Motown fare with adult-alternative, roots-rock hits by the likes of Sheryl Crow and The Wallflowers.

At Monday's press conference, Columbia chairman Walter Rheingold said the 1983 film was "the perfect choice" to be the first in a series of seminal motion pictures the studio will re-master using its state-of-the-art zeitgeisting technology.

"When The Big Chill hits theaters early next year, people will be able to see not merely a dusted-off reprint of the original, but a rich new version that fully takes into account the characters' changed perceptions about the world and their place in it," Rheingold said. "In 1983, The Big Chill defined a generation. Now, thanks to the wonders of special effects, it will do it again."

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