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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Columnist Getting All Self-Righteous About Rape Epidemic In College Sports

PITTSBURGH—With his sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitude, local sports columnist Lucas Durbin is getting insufferably self-righteous and pretentiously didactic about the rape epidemic afflicting the world of collegiate athletics, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Who does this guy think he is, Jesus fucking Christ?” Pittsburgh Post-Gazette subscriber James Gillespie said of Durbin’s latest preachy editorial, in which the journalist hoisted himself up on his soapbox and called on college administrators to acknowledge the rash of sexual assaults being committed by student athletes and actively work to make the nation’s campuses safe for women. “Yes, many allegations of rape against high-profile athletes are downplayed or outright ignored. Yes, the culture of alcohol and drug abuse that exists among college students makes rapes that much more likely. Yes, many rapes go unreported. Yes, sexual assault victims are often intimidated and threatened by the rapist’s friends, teammates, and fans. Yes, law enforcement is often complicit in working with colleges to cover up sexual assault cases to protect the school’s reputation and keep its athletic program running smoothly. Yes, those players who are accused of sexual assault rarely, if ever, are charged with a crime. We get it, Your Excellency. Why don’t you give it a rest already?” At press time, Durbin was once again getting on his high horse and trotting out some hapless story about a college freshman who committed suicide after being raped by a member of the Notre Dame football team, as if readers hadn’t heard it all a dozen times before.

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