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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Columnist Getting All Self-Righteous About Rape Epidemic In College Sports

PITTSBURGH—With his sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitude, local sports columnist Lucas Durbin is getting insufferably self-righteous and pretentiously didactic about the rape epidemic afflicting the world of collegiate athletics, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Who does this guy think he is, Jesus fucking Christ?” Pittsburgh Post-Gazette subscriber James Gillespie said of Durbin’s latest preachy editorial, in which the journalist hoisted himself up on his soapbox and called on college administrators to acknowledge the rash of sexual assaults being committed by student athletes and actively work to make the nation’s campuses safe for women. “Yes, many allegations of rape against high-profile athletes are downplayed or outright ignored. Yes, the culture of alcohol and drug abuse that exists among college students makes rapes that much more likely. Yes, many rapes go unreported. Yes, sexual assault victims are often intimidated and threatened by the rapist’s friends, teammates, and fans. Yes, law enforcement is often complicit in working with colleges to cover up sexual assault cases to protect the school’s reputation and keep its athletic program running smoothly. Yes, those players who are accused of sexual assault rarely, if ever, are charged with a crime. We get it, Your Excellency. Why don’t you give it a rest already?” At press time, Durbin was once again getting on his high horse and trotting out some hapless story about a college freshman who committed suicide after being raped by a member of the Notre Dame football team, as if readers hadn’t heard it all a dozen times before.

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