adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Columnist Getting All Self-Righteous About Rape Epidemic In College Sports

PITTSBURGH—With his sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitude, local sports columnist Lucas Durbin is getting insufferably self-righteous and pretentiously didactic about the rape epidemic afflicting the world of collegiate athletics, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Who does this guy think he is, Jesus fucking Christ?” Pittsburgh Post-Gazette subscriber James Gillespie said of Durbin’s latest preachy editorial, in which the journalist hoisted himself up on his soapbox and called on college administrators to acknowledge the rash of sexual assaults being committed by student athletes and actively work to make the nation’s campuses safe for women. “Yes, many allegations of rape against high-profile athletes are downplayed or outright ignored. Yes, the culture of alcohol and drug abuse that exists among college students makes rapes that much more likely. Yes, many rapes go unreported. Yes, sexual assault victims are often intimidated and threatened by the rapist’s friends, teammates, and fans. Yes, law enforcement is often complicit in working with colleges to cover up sexual assault cases to protect the school’s reputation and keep its athletic program running smoothly. Yes, those players who are accused of sexual assault rarely, if ever, are charged with a crime. We get it, Your Excellency. Why don’t you give it a rest already?” At press time, Durbin was once again getting on his high horse and trotting out some hapless story about a college freshman who committed suicide after being raped by a member of the Notre Dame football team, as if readers hadn’t heard it all a dozen times before.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close