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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Columnist Getting All Self-Righteous About Rape Epidemic In College Sports

PITTSBURGH—With his sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitude, local sports columnist Lucas Durbin is getting insufferably self-righteous and pretentiously didactic about the rape epidemic afflicting the world of collegiate athletics, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Who does this guy think he is, Jesus fucking Christ?” Pittsburgh Post-Gazette subscriber James Gillespie said of Durbin’s latest preachy editorial, in which the journalist hoisted himself up on his soapbox and called on college administrators to acknowledge the rash of sexual assaults being committed by student athletes and actively work to make the nation’s campuses safe for women. “Yes, many allegations of rape against high-profile athletes are downplayed or outright ignored. Yes, the culture of alcohol and drug abuse that exists among college students makes rapes that much more likely. Yes, many rapes go unreported. Yes, sexual assault victims are often intimidated and threatened by the rapist’s friends, teammates, and fans. Yes, law enforcement is often complicit in working with colleges to cover up sexual assault cases to protect the school’s reputation and keep its athletic program running smoothly. Yes, those players who are accused of sexual assault rarely, if ever, are charged with a crime. We get it, Your Excellency. Why don’t you give it a rest already?” At press time, Durbin was once again getting on his high horse and trotting out some hapless story about a college freshman who committed suicide after being raped by a member of the Notre Dame football team, as if readers hadn’t heard it all a dozen times before.

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