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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Comic Book Fans Adamant That Human Torch Be Played By Actor Whose Body Actually Engulfed In Flames

WASHINGTON—Expressing their frustration with the casting for the new Fantastic Four film, comic book fans across the country were reportedly adamant Monday that the superhero the Human Torch should be played by an actor who is actually engulfed in flames. “They should have stayed true to the original comics and selected an actor whose entire body is on fire,” said longtime Fantastic Four fan Barry Reich, criticizing filmmakers for casting Michael B. Jordan, who, unlike the comic book version of the Human Torch, is not enveloped from head to toe in flames. “Hollywood screwed up big time. It makes no sense for Susan Storm’s younger brother, Johnny, to be played by a non-ignited man. Since 1963, the Human Torch has always been able to generate powerful streams of flames and fireballs, and to ignore that is insulting to Fantastic Four creators Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.” Comic book fans, however, reportedly commended Fantastic Four director Josh Trank’s bold choice to cast a hyper-intelligent actor with multiple scientific doctorates and an elastic body as Mister Fantastic.


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