Comic-Book Store Employee Slated To Talk To Girl

Top Headlines


Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Comic-Book Store Employee Slated To Talk To Girl

KITCHENER, ONT—The local comics-collecting scene has been abuzz ever since comic-book hobbyist Blaine Thurdlow's announcement Monday that he will spend next Friday evening on a confirmed date with a woman, his first in six years.

Comic-book lover Blaine Thurdlow says the woman with whom he will soon go out on a date is "as good-looking as the sexiest Black Canary full-pager you ever saw."

Thurdlow, 26, a self-described "confirmed bachelor, not unlike a certain millionaire playboy, Bruce Wayne," expressed great enthusiasm about the upcoming opportunity to socialize with an adult female. "I haven't been this thrilled since they reprinted the Kree/Skrull War," he said.

"Believe me, this one's going to be an event to rival the wedding of Mariko and Wolverine," Thurdlow told reporters, speaking from a vendor's booth he rented at OntarioCon '96, where he also sold hand-painted Ghost Rider miniatures.

"I may not be a slick ladies' man like Lieutenant Commander Riker, but I've seen enough romance between Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy to know a thing or two about love, if you know what I mean," he said.

Holding up a double-mylar bagged first issue of X-Factor, Thurdlow added, "Oh, and as if today weren't great enough already, I also got Rob Liefeld's autograph. Check it out!"

Thurdlow, who was barely able to contain his excitement at the press conference, described himself as slightly nervous but greatly looking forward to his upcoming date and potential deflowering. "I'm lucky I was never exposed to massive doses of gamma radiation, or else this much adrenaline would surely trigger my transformation into the Incredible Hulk!" joked Thurdlow with a hearty laugh.

"Not that I would actually be the Hulk, of course," he clarified. "I would merely be a being similar to the Hulk, but lacking the alter-ego of scientist Bruce Banner that makes the Hulk uniquely human."

Thurdlow's date, Tina Chen, 25, an employee at the Kitchener-area Taco Bell that Thurdlow frequents, is considered "very nice" by co-workers. Chen was unavailable for comment, as she speaks little English. Thurdlow remained confident that he could communicate amorously with Chen on their upcoming date by using "the universal language... in other words, the nonverbal storytelling abilities of top-notch graphic sequential art."

Touting repeatedly the knockout beauty of his slated dating companion, Thurdlow beamed to the assembled crowd of nine. "I'm not trying to brag, but Tina's as good-looking as the sexiest Black Canary full-pager you ever saw," he said. "And that's including when Neal Adams was doing the inking, back when Black Canary was a backup feature in the Green Arrow/Green Lantern team-ups from '76 to '78."

After an elegant dinner for two, Thurdlow has a reservation for a horse-and-buggy ride, after which he plans to ask Chen up to the one-room efficiency he has occupied for the last eight years. There, he will seduce her with his prize possession: a mint-condition, signed complete run of the Crisis On Infinite Earths crossover mini-series.

"This is the series that in the late '80s completely transformed the entire D.C. Universe," he said. "How could she possibly resist me after eyeing a gem like that?"

"After that," Thurdlow said, "well, let's just say there'll be a kiss to rival the one between Saturn Girl and Elastic Lad in Legion Of Super-Heroes #257!"

Friends and supporters throughout the comic-book community are rallying around Thurdlow's cause, offering donations of such items as shoe polish, a tie, dress slacks and a $15 gift certificate for all Marvel back issues in stock at Hero City Comics and Baseball Cards' three Ontario locations.

"If Blaine can score with a chick, maybe my years of desperate loneliness can one day come to an end, too," said Hiram Jurgens, one of Thurdlow's well-wishers, who added that he personally finds Spiderwoman attractive, but is drawn more to "less glamorous but more intellectually engaging superhumans such as the X-Men's Kitty Pryde. Claremont really captured not only her mutant ability to phase her body through solid objects, but also her foibles, hopes and fears as well."

Not everyone shares Thurdlow's confidence. "Crisis on Infinite Earths was a hackjob, pure and simple. Wolfman and Perez did much better work back in the third run of New Teen Titans in '82, '83," said Toronto's Ed Fruem. "And Legion #257? What a joke. For real romance, let's talk about the Fantastic Four's Reed and Sue Richards, the married couple better known to millions of fans as Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close