Comic-Book Store Employee Slated To Talk To Girl

Top Headlines


45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Comic-Book Store Employee Slated To Talk To Girl

KITCHENER, ONT—The local comics-collecting scene has been abuzz ever since comic-book hobbyist Blaine Thurdlow's announcement Monday that he will spend next Friday evening on a confirmed date with a woman, his first in six years.

Comic-book lover Blaine Thurdlow says the woman with whom he will soon go out on a date is "as good-looking as the sexiest Black Canary full-pager you ever saw."

Thurdlow, 26, a self-described "confirmed bachelor, not unlike a certain millionaire playboy, Bruce Wayne," expressed great enthusiasm about the upcoming opportunity to socialize with an adult female. "I haven't been this thrilled since they reprinted the Kree/Skrull War," he said.

"Believe me, this one's going to be an event to rival the wedding of Mariko and Wolverine," Thurdlow told reporters, speaking from a vendor's booth he rented at OntarioCon '96, where he also sold hand-painted Ghost Rider miniatures.

"I may not be a slick ladies' man like Lieutenant Commander Riker, but I've seen enough romance between Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy to know a thing or two about love, if you know what I mean," he said.

Holding up a double-mylar bagged first issue of X-Factor, Thurdlow added, "Oh, and as if today weren't great enough already, I also got Rob Liefeld's autograph. Check it out!"

Thurdlow, who was barely able to contain his excitement at the press conference, described himself as slightly nervous but greatly looking forward to his upcoming date and potential deflowering. "I'm lucky I was never exposed to massive doses of gamma radiation, or else this much adrenaline would surely trigger my transformation into the Incredible Hulk!" joked Thurdlow with a hearty laugh.

"Not that I would actually be the Hulk, of course," he clarified. "I would merely be a being similar to the Hulk, but lacking the alter-ego of scientist Bruce Banner that makes the Hulk uniquely human."

Thurdlow's date, Tina Chen, 25, an employee at the Kitchener-area Taco Bell that Thurdlow frequents, is considered "very nice" by co-workers. Chen was unavailable for comment, as she speaks little English. Thurdlow remained confident that he could communicate amorously with Chen on their upcoming date by using "the universal language... in other words, the nonverbal storytelling abilities of top-notch graphic sequential art."

Touting repeatedly the knockout beauty of his slated dating companion, Thurdlow beamed to the assembled crowd of nine. "I'm not trying to brag, but Tina's as good-looking as the sexiest Black Canary full-pager you ever saw," he said. "And that's including when Neal Adams was doing the inking, back when Black Canary was a backup feature in the Green Arrow/Green Lantern team-ups from '76 to '78."

After an elegant dinner for two, Thurdlow has a reservation for a horse-and-buggy ride, after which he plans to ask Chen up to the one-room efficiency he has occupied for the last eight years. There, he will seduce her with his prize possession: a mint-condition, signed complete run of the Crisis On Infinite Earths crossover mini-series.

"This is the series that in the late '80s completely transformed the entire D.C. Universe," he said. "How could she possibly resist me after eyeing a gem like that?"

"After that," Thurdlow said, "well, let's just say there'll be a kiss to rival the one between Saturn Girl and Elastic Lad in Legion Of Super-Heroes #257!"

Friends and supporters throughout the comic-book community are rallying around Thurdlow's cause, offering donations of such items as shoe polish, a tie, dress slacks and a $15 gift certificate for all Marvel back issues in stock at Hero City Comics and Baseball Cards' three Ontario locations.

"If Blaine can score with a chick, maybe my years of desperate loneliness can one day come to an end, too," said Hiram Jurgens, one of Thurdlow's well-wishers, who added that he personally finds Spiderwoman attractive, but is drawn more to "less glamorous but more intellectually engaging superhumans such as the X-Men's Kitty Pryde. Claremont really captured not only her mutant ability to phase her body through solid objects, but also her foibles, hopes and fears as well."

Not everyone shares Thurdlow's confidence. "Crisis on Infinite Earths was a hackjob, pure and simple. Wolfman and Perez did much better work back in the third run of New Teen Titans in '82, '83," said Toronto's Ed Fruem. "And Legion #257? What a joke. For real romance, let's talk about the Fantastic Four's Reed and Sue Richards, the married couple better known to millions of fans as Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl."