Comic-Book Store Employee Slated To Talk To Girl

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Vol 30 Issue 12

White House Blocks Seahawks Punt

SEATTLE—For the third time this year, the White House blocked a key fourth-down punt by Seattle Seahawks kicker Rick Tuten Sunday. "The Seahawks continue to present punts to me that are not in the best interest of the American people," Bill Clinton said, reiterating his 1992 election pledge to prevent any Seahawks punt attempts from becoming law. Congressman George Melcykski (R-WA) blasted Clinton, saying, "The Seahawks badly needed this victory, and that punt block was a crucial turning point." Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala recovered the punt in Seattle's end zone for a touchdown.

Araa Kayboard Bustad

NAW YORK—In a turn of avants that slowad production of vital naws copy this waak, tha kayboard of a wall-known raportar's computar was found bustad in his nawspapar offica. Tha "A" kay, it was discovarad aftar a graat daal of loud swaaring, was mistakanly producing tha charactar "A." "I am vary upsat," tha raportar told raportars outsida his offica. Tha causa of tha bustad kayboard ramains undatarminad, but a sourca closa to tha raportar baliavas tha kayboard may hava baan poundad with undua forca during a spall of writar's block. "Ha probably just couldn't think of anything to writa about," tha sourca said.

Desperate Dole Promises Best Prom Ever

MONTGOMERY, AL—On a final swing through the South, presidential candidate Bob Dole promised that if elected, this spring's prom will be the best ever. "There will be just the right mixture of slow and fast songs—I'll see to that," the weary Republican droned loudly, his eyes red and widened with fatigue. "It will be a memory to last a lifetime. That's the Dole promise. And the band will be good. I heard them play at the Dew Drop Inn with some friends of mine and they were good." Secret Service agents moved in to take Dole off the stage before he could expound upon the prom promise. Dole spokesperson Tom Reid explained that Dole was "fucking insane" at the time.

Clinton Reelected By Wide Margin

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton was reelected president next Tuesday, defeating Republican challenger Bob Dole by several million votes. Among the states won by Clinton: New York, California, Texas, Maryland, Illinois and the critical state of Ohio, not to mention several dozen others. Dole captured Alaska.

Idea To See Mario Van Peebles Movie Occurs To No One

HOLLYWOOD—Tallies from the latest issue of The Hollywood Reporter indicate that the idea to see a Mario Van Peebles movie occurred to no one this week. According to the Reporter story, Terre Haute, IN, video store clerk Susan Heshmer had an idea to re-shelve several Mario Van Peebles movies, but she did not consider actually seeing one. She was merely re-organizing the action section of the Blockbuster Video store in which she works and had to handle the tapes Exterminator 2 and Posse. Solo, the Van Peebles vehicle in which he plays a futuristic android/soldier, is still showing in a handful of budget cinemas, yet has failed to entice any potential moviegoers. Entertainment insiders and statisticians speculate that the idea to see a Mario Van Peebles movie will probably not occur again until 2004, when Van Peebles himself will decide to watch Urban Crossfire.
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Comic-Book Store Employee Slated To Talk To Girl

KITCHENER, ONT—The local comics-collecting scene has been abuzz ever since comic-book hobbyist Blaine Thurdlow's announcement Monday that he will spend next Friday evening on a confirmed date with a woman, his first in six years.

Comic-book lover Blaine Thurdlow says the woman with whom he will soon go out on a date is "as good-looking as the sexiest Black Canary full-pager you ever saw."

Thurdlow, 26, a self-described "confirmed bachelor, not unlike a certain millionaire playboy, Bruce Wayne," expressed great enthusiasm about the upcoming opportunity to socialize with an adult female. "I haven't been this thrilled since they reprinted the Kree/Skrull War," he said.

"Believe me, this one's going to be an event to rival the wedding of Mariko and Wolverine," Thurdlow told reporters, speaking from a vendor's booth he rented at OntarioCon '96, where he also sold hand-painted Ghost Rider miniatures.

"I may not be a slick ladies' man like Lieutenant Commander Riker, but I've seen enough romance between Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy to know a thing or two about love, if you know what I mean," he said.

Holding up a double-mylar bagged first issue of X-Factor, Thurdlow added, "Oh, and as if today weren't great enough already, I also got Rob Liefeld's autograph. Check it out!"

Thurdlow, who was barely able to contain his excitement at the press conference, described himself as slightly nervous but greatly looking forward to his upcoming date and potential deflowering. "I'm lucky I was never exposed to massive doses of gamma radiation, or else this much adrenaline would surely trigger my transformation into the Incredible Hulk!" joked Thurdlow with a hearty laugh.

"Not that I would actually be the Hulk, of course," he clarified. "I would merely be a being similar to the Hulk, but lacking the alter-ego of scientist Bruce Banner that makes the Hulk uniquely human."

Thurdlow's date, Tina Chen, 25, an employee at the Kitchener-area Taco Bell that Thurdlow frequents, is considered "very nice" by co-workers. Chen was unavailable for comment, as she speaks little English. Thurdlow remained confident that he could communicate amorously with Chen on their upcoming date by using "the universal language... in other words, the nonverbal storytelling abilities of top-notch graphic sequential art."

Touting repeatedly the knockout beauty of his slated dating companion, Thurdlow beamed to the assembled crowd of nine. "I'm not trying to brag, but Tina's as good-looking as the sexiest Black Canary full-pager you ever saw," he said. "And that's including when Neal Adams was doing the inking, back when Black Canary was a backup feature in the Green Arrow/Green Lantern team-ups from '76 to '78."

After an elegant dinner for two, Thurdlow has a reservation for a horse-and-buggy ride, after which he plans to ask Chen up to the one-room efficiency he has occupied for the last eight years. There, he will seduce her with his prize possession: a mint-condition, signed complete run of the Crisis On Infinite Earths crossover mini-series.

"This is the series that in the late '80s completely transformed the entire D.C. Universe," he said. "How could she possibly resist me after eyeing a gem like that?"

"After that," Thurdlow said, "well, let's just say there'll be a kiss to rival the one between Saturn Girl and Elastic Lad in Legion Of Super-Heroes #257!"

Friends and supporters throughout the comic-book community are rallying around Thurdlow's cause, offering donations of such items as shoe polish, a tie, dress slacks and a $15 gift certificate for all Marvel back issues in stock at Hero City Comics and Baseball Cards' three Ontario locations.

"If Blaine can score with a chick, maybe my years of desperate loneliness can one day come to an end, too," said Hiram Jurgens, one of Thurdlow's well-wishers, who added that he personally finds Spiderwoman attractive, but is drawn more to "less glamorous but more intellectually engaging superhumans such as the X-Men's Kitty Pryde. Claremont really captured not only her mutant ability to phase her body through solid objects, but also her foibles, hopes and fears as well."

Not everyone shares Thurdlow's confidence. "Crisis on Infinite Earths was a hackjob, pure and simple. Wolfman and Perez did much better work back in the third run of New Teen Titans in '82, '83," said Toronto's Ed Fruem. "And Legion #257? What a joke. For real romance, let's talk about the Fantastic Four's Reed and Sue Richards, the married couple better known to millions of fans as Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl."

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