‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Commercial Actor Informed He Doesn’t Have That Prego Tomato Sauce Look

LOS ANGELES—Having rehearsed the script for several hours before giving what he believed was a solid audition, local actor Mark Folta was reportedly disappointed to be informed Friday that he just doesn’t have that Prego tomato sauce look. “We appreciate you coming in today, but we’re really looking for someone with that classic Prego screen presence, and unfortunately we just don’t believe that’s you,” said casting director Kelly Lombardi, who explained to Folta that while he displayed impressive spaghetti-twirling technique and had delivered the line “Mmm, that’s rich” convincingly, he just simply didn’t possess that distinctive, timeless air that has always been synonymous with the Prego line of homestyle pasta sauces. “When America thinks of Prego, they picture icons like Eric Marsdale from our 1991 Prego versus Ragu spot, or a legend like Angela Ramos raising a spoonful of sauce to her nose while flashing that signature close-mouthed smile as steam wafts into her nostrils. Listen, kid, I hate to say it, but some people have it and some people don’t. Best of luck to you.” Visibly distressed and downtrodden following his failed Prego performance, Folta was, at press time, said to be absolutely nailing his Excedrin audition.

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