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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Committee Of College Basketball Nets: 'Please Stop Cutting Us'

SAN ANTONIO—The Committee of College Basketball Nets, a social responsibility coalition consisting of 31 basketball nets from all NCAA Division I conferences, used the University of Kansas' 75-68 victory over the University of Memphis Monday as a platform to further their cause of preventing celebrating players and coaches from savagely cutting down basketball nets. "As we speak, another two nets have been lost," basketball net ACC told reporters during a press conference, adding that though it understands the importance of tradition, the cutting down of college basketball nets with scissors is "an inherently barbaric practice that has no place in civilized society." "Those nets that were cut tonight had futures. They might have gone on to be with a family in a backyard or driveway somewhere—maybe they could have even gone pro. But instead they were cut down in their prime. Please, on behalf of all of us, stop." When asked if the net had any other causes it wanted to champion, it responded, "Other then wanting people to stop cutting basketball nets? No."

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