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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Committee Of College Basketball Nets: 'Please Stop Cutting Us'

SAN ANTONIO—The Committee of College Basketball Nets, a social responsibility coalition consisting of 31 basketball nets from all NCAA Division I conferences, used the University of Kansas' 75-68 victory over the University of Memphis Monday as a platform to further their cause of preventing celebrating players and coaches from savagely cutting down basketball nets. "As we speak, another two nets have been lost," basketball net ACC told reporters during a press conference, adding that though it understands the importance of tradition, the cutting down of college basketball nets with scissors is "an inherently barbaric practice that has no place in civilized society." "Those nets that were cut tonight had futures. They might have gone on to be with a family in a backyard or driveway somewhere—maybe they could have even gone pro. But instead they were cut down in their prime. Please, on behalf of all of us, stop." When asked if the net had any other causes it wanted to champion, it responded, "Other then wanting people to stop cutting basketball nets? No."

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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