Communication With Florida Cut Off

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2000 Election

Child Subjected To Elaborate Hairdo

GRAND RAPIDS, MI– Renee Wilkins, 4, was subjected to a painful, elaborate hairdo at the hands of her mother Monday. "Look how pretty my baby looks," said Chanté Wilkins, 31, after spending three hours meticulously braiding her daughter's hair and stringing 250 multicolored plastic beads onto the braids. "Doesn't she look just like Venus Williams?" Ever since the completion of the elaborate procedure, the child has worn a stocking cap to muffle the beads' ceaseless clacking sound.

Strom Thurmond Begins Preparing Cabinet

WASHINGTON, DC– With the presidential-succession crisis threatening to drag on for months, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) began the process of assembling his Cabinet Monday. "See here, I believe I'll take Lester Maddox as my Secretary of War," said the 97-year-old Thurmond, who, as president pro tempore of the Senate, is second in line for the White House if the president-elect is not determined by Inauguration Day. "And that Orval Faubus would do a fine job as Secretary of Slaves, he surely would." Thurmond said he has not yet decided who would head the Department of Cows and Chickens.

Recount Reveals Nader Defeated

TALLAHASSEE, FL– A third recount by Florida election officials has "definitively determined" that Green Party candidate Ralph Nader was defeated in the state. "There was a very significant 25,603-vote discrepancy between the first two counts, with Nader losing by respective margins of 2,812,339 and 2,837,942, so we decided to conduct a hand recount," Florida Attorney General Jim Smith said. "We now know that Nader lost by precisely 2,821,278 votes." It is not yet known whether Nader lost to Gore or Bush.

Hypothetical Question Clearly Not Hypothetical

YUMA, AZ– Brad Thorstadt was rattled Monday, when hiking partner and longtime friend Ken Daniels asked him a hypothetical question that clearly was not hypothetical. "What the hell did he mean by, 'Hypothetically speaking, if you and Cheryl were into threesomes, would you consider me?'" Thorstadt asked. "That's not the kind of thing you just ask hypothetically." Thorstadt added that he likes Daniels and everything, but damn.

Area Man A Walking Encyclopedia Of Everything Except Leading A Normal Life

ODESSA, TX– Gene Weldon, 34, was praised by friends and family Monday for his expertise on dog breeding, spelunking, and countless other subjects except leading a normal life. "One time, I asked Gene what he thought about the recent market fluctuations, and he gives this long lecture on the history of the Nikkei Index," friend Mindy Becker said. "With a body of knowledge like that, you'd think he'd at least own a car." Cousin Mike Framisch agreed, saying, "For a guy with no regular full-time job, he knows an awful lot about the ecosystem of the Marianas Trench."

I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze

Did you ever know a "chocoholic"? One of those folks who just can't get enough chocolate? I bet there's at least one in your home or workplace. At my house, it's my wife Emily. She's got to have her little bowl of Hershey's Kisses in the living room. She can't go shopping without bringing home some chocolate ice cream or a chocolate-cake mix. She's even got a funny little sweatshirt that says, "My Name Is Emily, And I'm A Chocoholic."

A Portentous Estate Sale

Several months ago, I informed The Onion's Middle-western readers of their impending sale as part of an offering of this news-paper's mid-continental distribution district. This transaction was conceived as a way to shore-up the paper's dwindling cash reserves. I still believe my asking price of $20 million and the marriage-hand of Lillian Gish was more than fair, but to date I have received no letters of inquiry. God damn my fellow plutocrats for the weak-willed, lily-livered cheap-skates they are!

Government-Publications Enthusiast Makes Pilgrimage To Pueblo, CO

PUEBLO, CO– Fulfilling a lifelong dream, Kim Cheever of Ames, IA, made a pilgrimage Tuesday to Pueblo's Federal Consumer Information Center. "This is the happiest moment of my life," said Cheever, touring the center that has produced informative government leaflets for the past 30 years. "To think that pamphlets like 'Making The Updated Tax Code Work For You' were dreamed up right here." Cheever ended her visit with a stop at the gift shop, where she purchased a copy of the classic 1972 brochure "Preparing For The Metric Conversion" and a rare misprint edition of "Raising Poultry For Meat And Eggs."
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Communication With Florida Cut Off

TALLAHASSEE, FL–Federal officials confirmed Tuesday that all forms of communication with Florida, the bloody battleground for 25 electoral votes, have been cut off.

Across the state, Atlantic Bell phone lines and relays have been severed. The efforts of Georgia-based emergency crews hoping to reconnect lines have been hampered by piles of burning vehicles choking all roads leading into the state.

In addition to the loss of phone contact, Internet, television, and radio communications have been lost to the surging violence plaguing the most bitterly contested state in the nation.

"We are attempting to bring swift and fair closure to these elections," said Florida Governor Jeb Bush during a statewide televised message at 7:35 p.m. EST Monday, the last known transmission from the Sunshine State. "We ask that Gore and his followers concede gracefully and allow a dignified end to a long–what the...? No! Back! Back!" The screen then went black.

Though technicians stationed along the Georgia border have reported receiving faint, garbled radio signals from walkie-talkies and ham radios, the content of these transmissions is unclear. Through the heavy static, the technicians have reportedly heard a variety of unconfirmed sounds, including screams for help, the toneless recitation of random strings of numbers, and harshly barked combat orders.

The technicians could also make out certain specific words and phrases, including "Bush by three," "rererererecount," and "Oy gevalt." Several heavily accented female voices could also be heard wailing, "Elián."

According to reconnaissance photos taken by Russian military aircraft, the entire southeast portion of the state, including Miami and Ft. Lauderdale, is obscured by thick smoke. In a photo of Biscayne Bay, the water has a distinct crimson tint. Another photo shows a flotilla of commercial fishing boats, overloaded with refugees and sailing in the direction of Cuba.

"We have no idea what's going on down there," said Captain Matt Tunney of the Georgia National Guard, one of the few reserve units available to respond to the Florida crisis. "There are 15 million people trapped in that boiling cauldron, everyone from Boca Raton retirees to Jacksonville rednecks to Miami Beach fashion models. To be honest, I don't think I want to know what's going on."

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