adBlockCheck

Communication With Florida Cut Off

Top Headlines

Recent News

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Satisfaction

Communication With Florida Cut Off

TALLAHASSEE, FL–Federal officials confirmed Tuesday that all forms of communication with Florida, the bloody battleground for 25 electoral votes, have been cut off.

Across the state, Atlantic Bell phone lines and relays have been severed. The efforts of Georgia-based emergency crews hoping to reconnect lines have been hampered by piles of burning vehicles choking all roads leading into the state.

In addition to the loss of phone contact, Internet, television, and radio communications have been lost to the surging violence plaguing the most bitterly contested state in the nation.

"We are attempting to bring swift and fair closure to these elections," said Florida Governor Jeb Bush during a statewide televised message at 7:35 p.m. EST Monday, the last known transmission from the Sunshine State. "We ask that Gore and his followers concede gracefully and allow a dignified end to a long–what the...? No! Back! Back!" The screen then went black.

Though technicians stationed along the Georgia border have reported receiving faint, garbled radio signals from walkie-talkies and ham radios, the content of these transmissions is unclear. Through the heavy static, the technicians have reportedly heard a variety of unconfirmed sounds, including screams for help, the toneless recitation of random strings of numbers, and harshly barked combat orders.

The technicians could also make out certain specific words and phrases, including "Bush by three," "rererererecount," and "Oy gevalt." Several heavily accented female voices could also be heard wailing, "Elián."

According to reconnaissance photos taken by Russian military aircraft, the entire southeast portion of the state, including Miami and Ft. Lauderdale, is obscured by thick smoke. In a photo of Biscayne Bay, the water has a distinct crimson tint. Another photo shows a flotilla of commercial fishing boats, overloaded with refugees and sailing in the direction of Cuba.

"We have no idea what's going on down there," said Captain Matt Tunney of the Georgia National Guard, one of the few reserve units available to respond to the Florida crisis. "There are 15 million people trapped in that boiling cauldron, everyone from Boca Raton retirees to Jacksonville rednecks to Miami Beach fashion models. To be honest, I don't think I want to know what's going on."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close