Community A Wasteland Of Professional Athletes’ Failed Side Businesses

Top Headlines

Business

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson. Executives within the ...

Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun op...

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...

Bank Of America Introduces New $50 Underdraft Fee

CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying the penalty will cover the costs incurred by the financial institution whenever a customer makes a withdrawal that results in a positive account balance, Bank of America introduced a new $50 underdraft fee Tuesday on all checkin...

Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits

AUSTIN, TX—Touting the business’s laid-back, nontraditional corporate culture, Go-Go Maps founder and CEO Mike Hannasch explained to reporters Thursday that his company is pretty casual when it comes to employees’ dress code and benefits...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Originality

Community A Wasteland Of Professional Athletes’ Failed Side Businesses

FORT MYERS, FL—With shuttered windows, empty parking lots, and clearance sale banners dotting nearly every block, the community of Fort Myers, Florida has in recent years become a veritable wasteland of professional athletes’ failed side businesses, sources confirmed Thursday.

Residents told reporters that defunct enterprises, ranging from a closed seafood restaurant owned by retired Miami Dolphins quarterback Jay Fiedler to a padlocked batting cage complex once operated by former Cincinnati Reds outfielder Eric Davis, have come to dominate the city’s commercial district.

“Nowadays, you can’t walk down the street without seeing a boarded-up nightclub, laundromat, or oil change place that doesn’t represent some athlete’s doomed investment,” said local man Charlie Stinson, 42, listing off an array of unsuccessful establishments that included a hair salon owned by professional tennis star Monica Seles and a southern BBQ restaurant founded by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame fullback Franco Harris. “On this block alone, there are three different bars, all of them closed, and all of them started by members of the Showtime Lakers.”

“You’d think that James Worthy would have decided to invest his money elsewhere after seeing what happened to Mychal’s and The Rambis Hole, but you get the feeling that these guys didn’t really think any of this through,” Stinson added.

Residents confirmed that the city of 62,000 has in recent years seen the opening and rapid closing of dozens of athlete-run ventures, including coffee shops, sushi bars, and go-kart tracks, nearly all of which have been mismanaged or neglected by a variety of current and retired sports figures.

Specifically, sources pointed to such insolvent establishments as The Punchline, a comedy club bankrolled by former world heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe; a real estate office launched by Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz; and three-time Pro Bowler Tiki Barber’s tropical-themed watering hole, The Tiki Lounge. Officials from the chamber of commerce confirmed that none of the operations remained in business for longer than six months, and all have left behind unoccupied strip mall units throughout the greater Fort Myers area.

“A community this size can’t possibly support two men’s clothing boutiques opened by both Shannon Sharpe and Sterling Sharpe,” resident Eric McGill said. “And poor Dusty Baker, he spent so much on TV commercials and print flyers, but you knew that his pool supply dealership would never get off the ground around here.”

Though lamenting the demise of these and other enterprises, observers said that they were not particularly surprised to see these ventures fail, noting athletes’ tendency to quickly lose interest in their fledgling projects and leave responsibility for the commercial undertakings in the hands of various relatives and associates with no business experience.

“I used to get pretty excited when I saw someone like Jimmy Connors or Pedro Martinez showing up for a ribbon-cutting ceremony at a new steakhouse or car wash, but they always jet out of town and their businesses never stay afloat for very long,” said Fort Myers native Sherri Walsh, who pointed out the poor service and mediocre food at the numerous defunct crab shacks erected by members of the 1993 Chicago Cubs. “Now, there are too many vacant storefronts to even keep track of. Prime Time Security. Yoga by Yaz. Sir Charles’ Gentleman’s Club. All of them gone.”

“And I could have sworn the city shut down Lenny Dykstra’s off-track betting parlor, but I still see him hanging around the back entrance all the time, so maybe it’s still up and running,” Walsh continued.

According to sources, the array of failed athletes’ businesses stands in stark contrast to the overwhelming success of former San Francisco Giants first baseman J.T. Snow’s software company, Snow-Tek, which is estimated to be worth nearly $85 billion.

Next Story