Community Bands Together To Get Through Lesbian-Gym-Teacher Crisis

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Community Bands Together To Get Through Lesbian-Gym-Teacher Crisis

BENTON, NE—They say adversity brings people closer together. They say hardship only strengthens the ties that bind.

Just some of the many Benton residents who have leaned on each other for support since the terrible discovery of gym teacher Nancy Kimble's (inset) sexual preference for women.

On April 2, the people of Benton, a tiny farming community of 1,200 in the northwest corner of Nebraska, got the opportunity to find out for themselves. That was the fateful day it was discovered that Nancy Kimble, the new gym teacher at Benton Junior High School, is a lesbian.

The crisis easily could have torn the town apart. But instead, it only made the people of Benton stronger, serving as a precious reminder of what truly matters.

"My first reaction was, 'A lesbian gym teacher? How could this happen here? Maybe somewhere else, but not in Benton,'" said Georgia Ellison, a lifelong resident of the town. "I was devastated. But everyone has been so unbelievably supportive of each other throughout this whole ordeal. In hard times like these, you really find out who your friends are."

Carolyn Marchand, whose daughter Stephanie is in Kimble's sixth-period class, reacted to the news with shock and fear. But even before she could grab her keys and race to school to pick up Stephanie, there was a knock at the door. Leslie North, a neighbor she barely knew, was standing on her porch.

"Leslie said she was just as shaken as I was, and told me that if there was anything at all she could do to help, I shouldn't hesitate to ask," Marchand said. "Then I invited her in, and we had apple pie and just talked for a few hours. It was then that I knew we were going to be all right."

Added Marchand: "Thank God we found out before the swimming unit started."

The crisis began at approximately 10:15 a.m. on April 2, when, before an entire second-period gym class, seventh-grader Jodi Woodring asked Kimble if she was gay. Kimble replied yes, and within an hour, word of the lesbian presence had spread throughout Benton. The school's switchboards were swamped with calls, the city council called an emergency meeting, and the mayor made an impassioned plea for calm, imploring parents to remove their children from school in "as orderly a manner as possible."

But amid the chaos and pain were countless moments of human kindness, of selfless individuals placing the well-being of their fellow Bentonians ahead of their own.

Jeff and Irene McArdle, whose sixth-grade daughter Annie had suffered exposure to lesbianism, were moved by the outpouring of support they felt from the community. "Our neighbors, the Slumans, have three children who were in [Kimble's] class, so they certainly had their own troubles," Irene said. "But when they found out that our Annie had tried out for the volleyball team, which was coached by Kimble, they sent us a bouquet of flowers and a note saying they were glad Annie didn't make the team and was safe again. Knowing people care really helps you get through something terrible like this."

Bob Watters, whose daughter Shannon took gym under the safe tutelage of the aggressively heterosexual Mr. Voorhees, said everyone in the community has a responsibility to do his or her part.

"Our family, thank God, was spared," Watters said. "But we know it easily could have been us instead of the Piatkowskis or the Ryans or the Bettencourts. That's why we all need to do everything we can for each other—especially for the children—during this dark time."

The people of Benton know that only through love, understanding and compassion will they put this painful episode behind them. And slowly but surely, they are beginning to do just that.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close