Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

A sight members of this shattered community referred to as "nearly impossible to look at."
A sight members of this shattered community referred to as "nearly impossible to look at."

UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.

Described by onlookers as both hunched over and more than likely racked with thoughts of how much his body has deteriorated over time, the man began his ascent to the top of the 9-foot staircase at 9:45 a.m. By the fourth step, the man reportedly started using the handrail to stabilize himself—a sight that emotionally crippled the already grief-stricken community.

At press time, crushed town sources said the image of the man stopping on the seventh step to catch his breath would forever be seared into their brains.

"The elderly man's lack of stamina and mobility has left all of us in a state of shock," said Uniontown mayor Ed Fike, who added that watching younger people swiftly pass the senior on the steps has only exacerbated an already terrible situation. "Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come. He still has six more steps to go, and I don't see him becoming any more limber or getting any sort of boost in energy during that time."

"Until he reaches the top, this town needs to deal with the likelihood that this gentleman is currently wondering how much longer he'll be able to use staircases unassisted, or worse yet, if there's any point in being alive if you can't even walk up 13 measly steps," he added. "Christ, they're pretty shallow steps, too."

According to residents, the town has been demoralized not only by the sheer amount of energy the man must summon to make it up each step, but also by the man's near inability to lift his knees high enough to place his feet securely on the edge of the next stair, and then the next, and then the next.

In addition, sources confirmed the elderly man periodically removing his handkerchief to wipe away sweat from his forehead has taken a significant toll on the community, as has his weary yet stoic expression, which passersby said indicates the man long ago accepted, with humility and grace, the fact that he will have to repeatedly endure humiliating physical hardships every single day for the rest of his life.

"My God, it's going to take him five minutes to get up there," said real estate agent Michael O'Connor, who later speculated that if the old man has such extreme difficulty walking up steps, he more than likely can't even walk on flat ground without tiring easily. "I bet 50 years ago he was bounding up steps two at a time, and now look at him. He just glanced up at the top stair as if to calculate whether or not he has enough energy to actually make it. I can't watch this anymore."

"Why is he carrying those bags?" said distraught 42-year-old resident April Carlson, referring to two Rite Aid bags the elderly man is holding in each hand. "There's no way those bags are making this any easier for him. Doesn't he have anyone to help him out with stuff like that?"

Further adding to the community's distress is speculation that the man probably once led an extremely active life, fighting for his country in World War II, playing high school football, and taking his loving wife out dancing. Citizens later concluded that the man's wife is most likely dead, that he lives alone, and that his inability to get around is a constant reminder of everything he's lost.

While residents said they would try to recover from the sight of the man looking back at the bottom step as if he might quit altogether, the majority noted it would be impossible to forget his ordeal.

"I have encouraged our citizens to continue on and live life as normal," Mayor Fike said. "But I feel like that is going to be impossible. The truth is, at some point, no matter how healthy you eat, or how in shape you are, there will come a time when your body simply stops working. It breaks down. Muscles become weaker. The simple act of standing becomes nearly impossible. So if there is any lesson to be learned from today's events, it's that all of us, every single one of us, will suffer."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close